today.

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A Baby, A Wedding, and a Birthday

Amber had her first pregnancy-related doctor appointment last week and it went well. It was confirmed that there is in fact a baby growing in there and everything looked healthy. Her due date was confirmed to be April 30, 2022. She is now approaching 10.5 weeks and you still can't even tell she's pregnant at all. Luckily, she hasn't been that sick, either. She has just had minor nausea that has been remedied by these anti-nausea bracelets. She hasn't actually thrown up which is good! She's definitely been tired at times and can be hungrier than usual.

Of course, we are anxiously awaiting to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We actually had a lot of fun doing all these old wives' tales "gender tests" and a lot of the tests said boy! One such test involved hanging a necklace with her wedding band on it above her stomach and watching what pattern it swung in. Swinging in a straight line supposedly means girl and swinging in a circle means boy. The necklace definitely swung in circles! We did some other silly things and had fun with it.

My mom, of course, wants the baby to be a girl and even though she denies it, I bet she will be *slightly* disappointed if it's a boy. She always talks about the joy she had in raising 3 daughters and she loves all the girly stuff like dressing up for formal pictures, dance recitals, etc. I think she just wouldn't know what to do with a boy lol. Amber won't say this but she probably wants it to be a girl, too. She keeps saying her husband would be "good" with a girl. Umm, he actually would also be good with a boy because he knows how to use tools, make things out of wood, fix things, etc.

I've warned them that just because it's a girl doesn't mean all is well lol. Our two older sisters were definitely wild teens/young adults who made poor choices and were difficult to control. Nick's mom, on the other hand, raised 3 "easy" boys before having a girl, and let's just say that Nick's sister was quite the handful as a child. Meltdowns, running from her mom at bedtime, etc. So, a girl doesn't guarantee a sweet little rule follower, just like a boy doesn't guarantee a rambunctious trouble maker.

Other than Amber's developing pregnancy, nothing is new with me or Nick. We still have moments where we don't get along and I feel bad because I think it mostly stems from me being so easily annoyed by him. I'm so jealous of the fact that he gets to have alone time and the tv to himself for an hour in the morning before I'm up and an hour in the evening after I go to bed. I never get alone time from him. He is always there, in the same room. Or, if he's not in the same room with me, he'll talk to me from wherever he is in the house, shouting! Or if he's not talking to me and he's talking to someone else on the phone, he talks so loudly that I can't enjoy my show in peace. Even though he knows I like to come home and watch ONE show in peace, he will still sit there and loudly play videos on his phone or laugh hysterically at whatever he's watching. He'll even start to show me or tell me what it is he's laughing at, and I have to pause my show. Always. Interrupting. I remind him that I simply want to watch the show without interruptions. He literally just can't help himself from constantly talking or making noise. Just last night, I got irritated because I was in our master bathroom, on the other side of the house, but could clearly hear him whistling and singing as he quickly threw all the dishes in the dishwasher after dinner (a meal that took me an hour to put together and him only a few minutes to clean up). Don't get me wrong, I was thankful he was helping clean up, but why is he never quiet?? That's another thing, besides the hour in the morning and the hour in the evening that he gets totally alone, he also gets the tv to himself when I'm cooking dinner, which I do 99.9% of the time. If he does end up cooking, he ends up interrupting me and asking questions about how to do something since he doesn't cook that often. I tell him that's why he should cook more, so he'll know what to do!

Sigh. He's a sweet, affectionate, and very loving person, but I simply would enjoy *some* time to MYSELF, alone in my house, enjoying snacks and uninterrupted guilty pleasure tv shows. It's not that I don't love him and never want him around, but I literally get no time! So, I have determined that the only solution to make this happen is to simply take days off from work. There is literally no other way to get time alone in my own house. We have no family or friends up here for him to go visit and get out of my hair, so this is the only way! I hate to use up sick days just for this, but my mental health and relationship depend upon it.

I may have mentioned this already, but one of the reasons I'm so glad Brittany reconnected with me is that we seem to be in the same mental space in terms of men. Our relationship statuses are totally different, but we feel the same about them if that makes sense. I have been with Nick (and lived with Nick) for 8 years now, married for 4.5 years. Brittany only recently started dating her current boyfriend in March and they don't live together. They don't even live in the same state. I so envy Brittany's luxury of living alone and getting to do whatever the hell she damn pleases whenever she wants! Even though she lives alone, she has her opinions about her boyfriend and can be annoyed by him. So basically, we both are annoyed by the men in our lives lol. I'm not entirely sure Brittany and her boyfriend will last much longer, but we'll see.

I also connect with Brittany on the fact that we both don't have children. I may have been married for a while now, but as you already know, children are not going to happen. Brittany, of course, is nowhere near having kids nor is she sure she'll have them. She is totally unphased by the whole thing and not worried about it right now, whereas I do feel the pressure of the biological clock if I were to have kids. Brittany seems to think we'd be fine popping a kid out at 40. Hell, my maternal grandmother was 43 when she had my mom...that's assuming Nick changes his mind or an accident happens. I just enjoy having someone else my age who is not cranking out babies, which seems to be every woman I know, my sister included! Of course, that's what people our age do, but I can't relate to it at all, so I'm glad I have someone who is like me and not having children.

Speaking of having kids, I watched My Big Fat Fabulous Life last night (show on TLC with Whitney Thore) and I felt so sad for her. She has had a run of bad luck with relationships, the last one being particularly rough. She was engaged to a man who ended up sleeping with an old fling and getting her pregnant! Whitney broke up with the guy and he's now engaged to the girl he had a fling with! How painful is that? She thought she was about to have everything she's always wanted - the man, the wedding, the marriage, the babies. Now she is 37 and basically starting over. She has met someone online, but there is no guarantee she'll end up with him, so she decided to undergo the procedure to retrieve her eggs and freeze them. She spent thousands of dollars and went through a painful procedure because she so desperately wants a family one day. She even mentioned in the show how hard it is on her to see others so easily have what she so badly wants. I hope everything works out for her and she gets the life she's dreamed of.

I know it was tough for me at first to accept that I was going to have a different life than the one I envisioned. I always assumed I would have kids because that's what everyone does. I think I even wrote in here years ago that if I hadn't met someone by age 30 that I would go to the sperm bank and do it myself. Lol what did I know? Now here I am, married and 33 with no dream of a family of my own. It's so funny how things can change.

The only other big news to report is we have E's wedding this weekend. E is the friend I used to describe as "the friend I've known forever". Her mom and my mom have been BFFs for 40 years. E and I could have been best friends like they are, but we have never clicked like that. I was never good enough for E to be a best friend. She didn't even come to my wedding, choosing to do something for her graduate school program instead. I skipped her bridal shower a month ago, but I will be at the wedding. The ceremony will be at her church with a reception at some fancy-schmancy place afterward. Her mom has been telling my mom all the wedding drama for over a year now (the wedding originally was scheduled for November 2020), so it'll be interesting to see how everything turns out.

On Friday, Nick and I are meeting up with this grandparents to celebrate his grandmother's 76th birthday. Her birthday is actually on the day of E's wedding, so we're celebrating a day early. Nick's grandparents literally never go out to restaurants so we were surprised when they suggested that they make reservations at a nice restaurant in their town. The menu looks fancy and yummy, so that should be fun. I can't believe his grandparents are turning 76 this year...while Nick and his family have been in my life for 10 years now, I still worry about how much time is left. I feel like I haven't gotten enough and I'm not ready to lose anyone anytime soon.

My mom will be 70 this year and I have noticed that she does indeed look older. I mean, duh, but still, you never want to think of your parent getting old and frail! She dyes her hair blonde but a lot of it around her face is bright white. She also has a noticeable curve to her upper back that makes her look a little hunched. Since she lost weight, her hands are noticeably more bony and veiny. A new thing that has begun happening to her is "trigger finger" - her ring finger or thumb will just lock in a bent position and it's too painful to pull it straight. She has to put something hot or cold on it and wait for it to release. She's sometimes had to shower and comb her hair with a locked finger. Isn't that sad??

While life is fun and everything is going well right now with lots of fun, exciting things to look forward to (Amber's baby), I do think about how the worst day of my life, the day my mom dies, is yet to come. And then I think about Nick's grandparents, my mom's best friend, etc. So many people left to lose. But, that's the circle of life. I just can't imagine a world without my mom in it. I try not to think about it but 70 is a big birthday milestone. My paternal grandmother only lived to 71 and my mom's mom only lived to 75. I hope my mom lives to 100+!

1:44 p.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2021

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