Let's see, what else? My older sister Angel withdrew from us after Christmas and we didn't see her at all up until Amber's baby shower. I'm probably to blame for that because I asked if she would *consider* getting the Covid vaccine. We already knew she was against the vaccine as she yelled at us, "my body, my choice!" last summer, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. We have the opportunity to go on a trip to Hawaii in November with my aunt and cousin, but after getting sick after Christmas, my mom is nervous to share a hotel room with Angel (I'd have to share a bed with her!). Simply asking that question "offended" Angel and she said she wouldn't come around anyone who has a "problem with it". I pointed out that no one has a problem with her choice and that it's more so about protecting the vulnerable people in our family, such as our 70-year-old mother who has high BP and diabetes, and our pregnant younger sister. She doesn't care about protecting them, though. She only cares about defying the establishment. She's been like this since she was a teenager, so it's not surprising.
Ever since I asked her that question, she's withdrawn significantly from responding on our group text thread and she hasn't come around to visit my mom or anyone at all. As the baby shower/birthday party was approaching, I thought it was odd she hadn't said anything about it so I messaged her directly to see if she was coming. She claimed she didn't know about it even though we had been communicating about it on our group thread which shows if people have seen the messages, which she had. She just straight up lied! And then she tried to say that she already had "plans" for the day of the baby shower/ birthday party! What's so important that you'd miss your sister's baby shower? Lame.
She did end up coming but had to leave early for these so-called plans. She even made a snippy comment like, "I came, didn't I? And I stayed for 4 hours," as if asking her to stay any longer to celebrate her sister's birthday and her new nephew is too much to ask. She can be SO weird and difficult. Oh well, I'm glad she did show up because Amber would have been very disappointed had she not come. She also brought lots of nice baby shower gifts, so that was nice. As Amber opened her baby shower gifts, I happen to look over at Angel and I think I saw a little bit of sadness on her face. Is she sad that she'll never have a baby shower thrown for her? She's turning 40 this year and claims she doesn't want kids.
My mom's best friend, Cindy, came to the festivities and she told Amber about how having your own baby is "the most love you'll ever feel in your life", "you'll never love anything more than your baby," "you'll do anything for your baby," etc. All of this profound stuff. I know all of that is true, sure.
It just felt a little uncomfortable to hear all about what Amber is going to experience and what Cindy and my mom have experienced when it's something that I will never get to experience myself. I don't get to be a part of the mom club. There's a sadness there because I didn't get to make that choice. Nick made that choice for us. Even if Nick did want kids, I wouldn't want one now. And maybe I don't actually want them, but the fact that I'm in a situation where I literally can't is sort of making me want it, you know? The whole want-what-you-can't-have thing. Plus, Nick and I aren't even in a good place in our relationship to even be thinking about that. Every day I come home and wish he would just go away. I hate having the same schedule as him because I never get time away from him. I just want peace and his presence does nothing but annoy me. He's constantly talking (and in a loud voice too) or making some kind of noise. He's constantly negative and complains about everything and everyone. He's not a positive, "go with the flow" guy. I don't like that about him at all.
I feel like I'm just accepting my situation. I'm accepting that oh, I guess I won't have kids because Nick doesn't want them. When I'm old (if I'm lucky enough to live to be old), will I regret letting some man decide what happens with MY life? Let's say Nick and I did go our separate ways, as we've talked about many times before. I just don't think that I, as the big fat 33 year old that I am, would find anyone else to be with. That doesn't mean I don't think I'm a good person or have good qualities, it's just that I've never really had luck in the dating/relationship department. I didn't have any boyfriends in high school or college. No one has ever been interested in me. Then along came Nick and he became my first for everything. I just don't see me finding anyone else at this point in life. I also don't have the interest or energy in finding someone else. I have been in a relationship with and living with Nick for 8.5 years now. I know him completely and am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. I don't want to start over and have to try and impress some guy. I'm so over that! At the end of the day, I just like to go home and watch my tv shows while I pet my orange cat. I'm not interested in dressing up, dating, all of that shit. If Nick and I ever do split up, I think I would just be single for the rest of my life and live alone with my cat. I might have "flings" with some people, but no relationships.
I do think Nick is the right person for me but we are just together too often, which leads to constant bickering and sometimes major fights. I NEED space in our relationship to spend time alone and to watch all my horrible reality shows with a snack UNINTERRUPTED. That's all I want! I've expressed this countless times and he knows this, but he can't help he has no where else to go but our house at the end of the day. I miss the days when he had guy friends to spend time with for hours on weekends. I truly hate that none of his friendships seem to last long-term. He does have one best friend that he's known since high school, but he lives several states away. Ugh.
Well, that's enough complaining for now. It's almost time to go home and call it quits on this week! We are planning to have a sushi dinner tonight from one of our favorite places that has a drive through! Perfect for Friday nights. Tomorrow, we're going to a restuarant of Nick's choosing since it's sort of his birthday weekend. On Sunday, I'm meeting up with my friend Brittany for drinks and brunch. I SO look forward to that! Then in just 2 weeks, I have a week off from work for spring break. Yay! I guess things aren't so bad after all. :)
2:14 p.m. - Friday, Mar. 25, 2022