It's been a minute since I've written! Here are some updates:
My pregnant sister, Amber, recovered from Covid and is fine. Since she is pregnant, her doctor is now making her come in once a week to be sure the baby is fine and so far, all is good. She is actually glad she gets checked out once a week, Covid or not. Being a new mom, she's so worried about every little thing, you know? On the last ultrasound, the technician just had to say that the baby's femurs are a little short and behind in terms of growth. Of course, Amber had to Google that and worry herself about what that could possibly mean.
Amber and her husband also had their maternity photoshoot recently. Amber looked great in them and all of the pictures turned out great! In the pics with her husband, you can just see how much they love each other and how excited they are to start this new chapter in their lives.
I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness because Nick and I definitely don't look at each other like that anymore. I definitely love Nick and care about him immensely, but am I IN love with him? I don't know. We don't have sex anymore (approaching 6 months since our last intimate moment) and we fight often. Some may suggest that perhaps we fight because we are no longer intimate. I don't think that's it because I do not WANT to be intimate. All of these other problems have seemingly turned off any physical feelings I may have had for him. If he does try to initiate by kissing more deeply, I just feel so uncomfortable and usually pull away. I can't take more than quick pecks on the lips and hugs these days.
Besides, he has his beloved porn and doesn't need me. That's one of the major turn-offs about him and it has been for a long time, basically since the beginning of our relationship. No, he doesn't do it in my face or anything, but I know he watches it and jerks off to it most likely DAILY. I was recently helping him with something on his phone and he had to go to the bathroom real quick. When he came back and gave me his phone again, I pulled up the most recent pictures because we had just screenshot something we were trying to upload. Well, in the few minutes he had gone to the bathroom, he had pulled up porn sites and had taken screenshots of videos he wanted to watch later. So, in my face were 2 pics, one of a naked woman on all fours with her pussy in the camera and the other of a guy with a massive cock about to get sucked off by some woman. He's so porn-obsessed that he literally has to look it up any chance he gets!! Of course, I angrily showed him the pics and he said he hadn't meant for me to see that. No, shit! I couldn't help but get angry and go off on how disgusting he is and how his obsession with porn is one of the major reasons why we don't have sex. He did what he always does, which is just sit there silently, blinking at me. He has said that I mean more to him than porn, but do I really? I don't get the feeling that I do. He says he is not happy that we don't have sex, but we're approaching SIX MONTHS without it and he hasn't done anything about it. He doesn't do or say anything to make me feel better. What man goes without REAL sex for that long? Idk, that just tells me that porn does it for him and he doesn't need to be with me. So NO, there is no physical or sexual attraction to him anymore. I mean I think he's attractive and stuff, but I have zero interest in being intimate with him.
In other news, we recently did some home updates. By we, I mean me. Nick does not like change, no matter how much it is for the better. We've had our 65" flat screen tv sitting on this old little tv stand my mom got from a yard sale for $5 since we bought the house in 2016. I thought it would be nice to get rid of that silly little tv stand and mount our tv to the wall with a nice new entertainment cabinet below it. I've also been itching to replace our 2 guest room ceiling fans as they are ancient and have the dimmest lights possible. Well, I happened to look around online and buy all the things to make this vision possible - a tv wall mount, a new sleek black entertainment cabinet, and 2 modern ceiling fans with remotes. I had asked Nick's input on these items before buying them without letting him know I was actually going to buy them. So technically, he did approve of the items I picked. I went ahead and ordered everything and of course, when it was all delivered to the house, Nick was upset because he didn't think we'd be doing these updates "now" but "someday". And I was like, why NOT now? What are we waiting for?? We have money to do this so why can't we do it? Ughhh so I had to have a little back and forth about it. Like I said, he doesn't like change, no matter how good or insignificant it is. I knew we wouldn't be able to do these projects ourselves - we don't know how to wire ceiling fans or mount a tv to a wall, so I told him to call his friend to do it all. He has a friend that's a maintenance supervisor for an apartment complex, so he can literally do anything. He's done a lot of work around our house in the past. I happened to go away to visit my mom and Amber the weekend Nick's friend was available, so it was SUPER nice to not be there during all the changes and to come home when it was complete. Nick admits that everything DOES look better and is an improvement. See, he accepts the change once it happens but resists at first.
The day is over at work, so I'll have to come back tomorrow to continue!
3:09 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2022