I have the biggest news of all: my younger sister, Amber, is pregnant!
She went off her birth control in June and was disappointed when she got her period a month later in July (during our beach trip, remember?). Only a month has passed since then and she is now pregnant! She technically still hasn't even missed her period yet as that was supposed to come this weekend on Sunday or Monday.
She had a dream she had a positive pregnancy test, so she took one of those early detection tests with the lines. There were 2 lines, but the second line was very faint. According to Google, that still most likely indicates pregnancy. She was so excited that she bought a digital early detection test and took it as soon as she got home from work and it said: "Yes +". Undeniable! She took another digital one this morning and it was also positive.
My baby sister (well, she's 30) is going to have a baby! I'm going to be an auntie! Amber has already calculated her due date to be approximately April 30th. She hasn't been to the doctor yet, but she has an appointment scheduled for September 16th. She'll already be like 7-8 weeks by then and can probably hear the heartbeat!
This is so exciting, especially for my mom. She's been waiting for ages and ages to have her first grandbaby. I know my older sister and I turned out to be disappointments in that area for her. I'm glad she'll finally have a grandbaby to play with.
While I'm very excited for Amber, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness for myself (yeah, yeah, all about me, per usual) in that I will never experience the joy and excitement of a positive pregnancy test. While I never dreamed of being a mom like most women seem to, I kind of always assumed that I would have kids one day. That's what everyone does, right? Now that I've realized that won't be happening for me, there is a sadness there.
Even if Nick did want kids, we're in no position to have them. We fight far too often. Amber and her husband are stable and happy, with minor disagreements here and there, which is typical of any married couple. I doubt they have ever raised their voices at one another. Nick and I, on the other hand, have had numerous verbal and physical fights (one just last weekend, I'm afraid). While most of the time we are fine, there are times that we are just not good together. Amber doesn't have that problem with her husband. Amber and her husband also make a good bit more money than Nick and I do, so they're more financially stable. They'll also have free babysitting from my mom who lives just 10 minutes from them. Nick and I have no one up here for that.
Amber has also always loved babies and wanted kids. We always knew she would one day make the best mom, even when she was so young. No one has ever said that about me. I never dreamed of having kids. I'm about to be 33 and don't feel this longing to have a baby. I've only been thinking about babies because my mom has been talking about it for years and now Amber is actually going to have one. Maybe I'm just not maternal at all and it's a good thing I won't be having any.
Even if I did want one, look at me. I'm in no physical shape to have one. Amber dutifully prepared for pregnancy by exercising, eating well, and losing a few pounds (not that she needed to - she's about 150 lbs and 5'6"). I am considered "morbidly obese" and would probably qualify for weight loss surgery if I pursued that. Does that sound like someone who should be a mom? When Amber first sent the text about the positive pregnancy test, I was literally sitting my ass on my couch eating PORK RINDS and drinking wine. What a total fat ass! And I wonder why I weigh 260 lbs. What a fucking idiot! I can't even care for MYSELF, so caring for a baby is definitely out of the question.
I just feel like I don't have much to look forward to in life. I've already done everything I set out to accomplish. Now, every day is the same, day in, day out. Year in, year out. Of course, that's not really true as I'm about to have a brand new family member. It won't be my baby, but it's a baby for the family! I will definitely be a part of its life. I also have my friend Brittany back in my life, so that's new and different. I guess I just mean there won't be any other big events happening for me personally in this life. I've got the college degrees and had the wedding, but there's nothing after that for me.
1:34 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 20, 2021
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