happyone

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Remember Me?

It makes me really sad how little I write these days! I used to write about every little thing and now years have gone by undocumented. How will I remember what has happened??


Well, my 6 week vacation from work has come to an end and I'm back to the grind. I had terrible anxiety my first day back and took like 4 anxiety pills. That STILL didn't stop all of the anxiety. I'm wondering if I need something stronger? Now that I got the first day back out of the way, things have been okay. Students and teachers aren't back yet (I work in a school), so I basically just sit in a mostly empty school all day and get paid for it. I can't complain, I guess.


Enough about work. An exciting opportunity has come up for me to take a trip to Thailand in November around the Thanksgiving holiday. My sister's soon to be fiance (we picked out her engagement ring this summer) is half Chinese, half Thai and his mother still lives in Thailand. She owns several houses on the ocean and she has very graciously offered to let us stay in one of her houses for free. We still have to pay for the flight over there and it's definitely not cheap (it recently jumped to $1200), but at least we will have a free place to stay. Thailand was never on my bucket list or place I ever thought I would visit, but I'm definitely excited. There are many beautiful beaches, temples, and islands to explore. This will only be my second trip out of the country since my honeymoon to the Bahamas last year. At first, I wasn't going to go but then I thought - why NOT? My sister has traveled all over Europe while I've just been stuck at home. I don't want to keep missing out on these fun adventures and unique experiences, so I am going too. And just so you don't think I'm a third wheel, our mom is also coming. She truly has not been out of the country, so this will be a major trip for her! I'm excited that we can finally all experience an exciting trip together.


The only thing I'm really not looking forward to is the flying to get there. It's a 20+ hours with a couple of layovers. That's a LONG time travelling just to get somewhere. Another thing is my husband Nick isn't going with us. He can't take that much time off from work and he doesn't have the money to pay for a ticket (plus I really don't think he has any interest in going to Thailand). I hate he'll be missing out. As I mentioned, my sister will be getting engaged soon and she is strongly considered doing a Sandals destination wedding in the Caribbean. That'll be another trip that Nick most likely won't be able to take due to limited time off and lack of money. Nick works very hard every single day, but at the end of the day he is still a blue collar guy who did not go to college, so he is paid by the hour. I think he has made it up to $15/hour now, which is not bad. He brings home decent money and he does not spend money frivolously. The only thing he really spends money on is craft beer. Really, that's it. But, to put it all in perspective, I went to college and grad school (total of 7 years) and earn a salary that equates down to $28/hour. There's definitely a money difference between us, so sometimes there's things I'm able to do that he can't. I've offered to pay for his Thailand ticket, but he doesn't want to go. Maybe he'll let me pay for his trip to my sister's wedding...I'm sure he wouldn't want to miss that.


What else...oh, I'm still fat and out of shape. At least I haven't gained weight...I've been about the same weight for a few years now. I'm currently holding steady at 243.5 (17 stone). I know I'm a huge whale and I'm horrified at how much I weigh, but at least I don't LOOK that bad (at least I don't think so). Sure, I could look better, but I'm really not ashamed of what I look like. It helps that Nick adores every inch of my body, literally. He loves all my rolls, curves, dimples, everything. I'm lucky I found such a wonderful, loving man who loves my body the way it currently is. When we reconnected, I was probably around 60 lbs. thinner but his attraction to me has never changed. In fact, he may be MORE attracted to me now. He likes big women, if you know what I mean.


The only thing I personally don't like about being this size is having such a hard time find CUTE clothes in my size. I hate that there's a special section in stores for clothes my size and they're always so much uglier than the regular section. Why can't all clothes just be made from a size small up to a 5X? That way, everyone is included and can wear cute thing! But no, they make all the stuff in the fat section hideous! I'm talking terrible patterns, horrible horizontal stripes (which make you look wider, btw), scratchy material, etc.!


The other thing I hate about being this big is that I know it IS affecting my health in a negative way. My blood pressure has been in the pre-hypertension range for a few years now and a doctor did put me on a blood pressure medication this year. All my health readings (cholesterol, diabetic A1C, triglycerides, etc.) have been inching up each year, which is not good. They need to go DOWN. I still haven't really done anything to change that...I never made a commitment to exercising and any changes to my diet are usually short-lived. I just hate exercising! You would think taking a simple 30 minute walk daily wouldn't be so hard, would it? It's not, but I live in the South in the United States and it's freaking HOT in the summer, okay?? Yes, this sounds like an excuse. But when you're in a big fat body like me and you go hiking around for 30 minutes outside in the summer, you sweat profusely and get painful chub rub on the inner thighs! Why yes, sign me up. NOT.


But no, I really do need to do something. As I mentioned in my last entry, I turn 30 in about 3 months. I'm starting a new decade and this is the age stuff can start going downhill unless you're proactive. So, unless I want to end up a diabetic like most of my family, I should take this seriously.


Nick is doing better about making healthy changes for the 30s. He decided YESTERDAY to quit cigarettes completely. For the last year and a half, he's been down to 1 cigarette a day during the week and 2 on week ends. He's been supplementing with nicotine gum. But yesterday he finally decided that he wasn't going to smoke a cigarette at all. He's completely replaced cigarettes with nicotine gum. He had been holding on to that one cigarette a day for a while, but I think what finally encouraged him was his mother-in-law having a spot of lung cancer removed in a biopsy. She's a very healthy lady of only 67, but in her youth, she smoked. Nick has literally smoked half his life, from ages 15-30. I'm glad he finally quit and I hope he can keep it up to get rid of it for good. I don't want him getting cancer!


If Nick can commit to a significant health change, I think I can and should too. Just as he's wanting to be healthy for himself, me and our future family, I need to do the same.

2:12 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 07, 2018

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