It's so weird how fast things can change.
Nick and I have been talking about divorce and I'm fairly certain it's for real this time. He's even been looking at places to move. We've talked about it before after big fights, but this time, there wasn't a big fight or anything. I think we have just finally agreed that we are probably better off apart than together. We argue and fight too much and we never have sex, so we're not even really a romantically involved couple as it is. Sure, we have fun stretches of time together, but there are a lot of times that aren't good.
What's tough to come to terms with is my role in all of this. This is 100% all my fault. I should have never entered into a "friends with benefits" situation with him back in 2011. Once that started, my stupid little feelings got involved and got hurt and I started drinking to cope. As we have seen, I'm not always my best self when I drink and I became someone I am not, someone who is a bad person who treats others poorly. Well, really, it's only ever him that I've treated poorly. I've had bad moments with others, but not years of problems like this. Why on earth he decided to make me his girlfriend in 2013, I'm not sure. Because he loved me? Big mistake. The relationship problems caused by my drinking continued and what did he do in 2016? The idiot proposed and we got married in 2017. Now the poor schmuck has been chained to my miserable ass for 7.5 years, we're married and have a house and a cat together. How are we supposed to untangle all of this?
No wonder the poor guy doesn't want to have kids. He doesn't want to have them with me because I'm a monster and a terrible person. He knows this and realizes that procreating with me would be an awful idea because what kind of mother would I be? He really is the smart one. How did I not see that I was the reason he had changed his mind about having a family?
I wish I could go back in time and never enter into any kind of relationship with him. For the first 2 years of our friendship, he was right. He kept saying that we were "too good of friends to date" and that he "didn't want to ruin the friendship". Yet again, he was the smart one and right all along. I hate he changed his mind about me and pursued me. He should have left me the hell alone and saved himself many long, miserable years.
I really would like to know what's wrong with me because I don't have any kind of relationship problems with anyone else. I get along great with my mom and sisters, coworkers, etc. I even won an award at work last year for being the "support professional of the year". Am I really just the fakest person ever and I have everyone completely fooled? Everyone but Nick, that is. He sees the real me, the monster.
I'm sorry for what I put him through and how I've treated him. He is not perfect but he has definitely deserved much better. He's a genuinely good person with a big heart. He claims he will just be alone after we part ways, but I know that won't be true for long. He'll eventually find someone else and move on. Men always do.
As for me, this is it. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life because I'm obviously not cut out for a relationship. I need to focus on myself and get myself straightened out and try to be a good person like I hope I am somewhere inside. Maybe I'll go ahead and get weight loss surgery and stop being a fat ass, greedy ass pig.
What sucks is that Nick's family (dad's side - dad, stepmom, and grandmother) are coming into town tomorrow to visit for the weekend, so we'll have to pretend everything is okay for now while we figure out our next steps. I really don't want to see them or be around them and have to pretend to be happy, but they would get suspicious if I'm not here and we're not quite ready to let everyone know the news.
I know everyone, both of our families, are going to be extremely disappointed for us. I hate I'll no longer see Nick's family because they are like family to me now. I'm most worried about telling my mom. She worked hard to give me good advice in life and on the surface, it looks like I've done well. I have all of my college degrees, I seem happily married, I have a house that's got tons of equity in it, a loving little cat, etc. But now all of that is going away. We will have to sell the house and split the profit. Even though the loan is only in my name, I (foolishly) put Nick's name on the deed to the house before we were even married. A bad move, in hindsight. Since he has truly paid for half of the house, it is only fair to sell it and split the profit. What sucks is I won't be able to afford another house - the prices have gone up in our area so much that our little house is now selling in the low $200,000 range. When I initially bought the house, I was only approved up to a $150,000 loan. So, I guess it'll be apartment life for me.
A lot of big, sad changes coming up and I only have myself to blame.
10:22 a.m. - Thursday, Jun. 10, 2021
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