The Conclusion

I had a nice long, 4-day Memorial Day weekend. It sure went by fast, though. Nick and I went to visit family and left Ollie behind. He was only alone for one full day and 2 nights and he was totally fine. It still breaks my heart to leave him because I love him and want him to be with us at all times. Maybe I'll look into getting him a mild kitty sedative to make traveling easier on him.

On Saturday, Nick and I went with my fam to the lake. Even though the lake is usually super busy on holiday weekends, we've discovered a relatively hidden cove within a state park. Sure enough, our cove only had 2 other families there when we arrived. Of course, we had a whole week of 90-degree weather but the temps dropped for the weekend. It was still pretty warm (in the 80s), but the lake water was very chilly, even for my hot-natured self! The extra boat traffic and wind also made the water very choppy. The lake had waves like the ocean! Despite the initial shock of the cold water, we still spent a few hours floating around. It was so nice to be back in our favorite summer spot!

On Sunday, Nick and I spent the day with his fam at his mom's house. We had been told we would be cooking out, but it turned out that Nick's stepdad wasn't up for grilling, so we had fried chicken instead with a bunch of yummy sides. I was initially disappointed, but you know I'll never turn down fried chicken! Nick's younger brother, C, also made several rounds of pina coladas, which were pretty good. They're maybe a tad too sweet for me, but I still enjoyed a few. Before we sat down for dinner, Nick, me, and his younger sister, K, jumped into the pool. The weather was even cooler than Saturday (only in the 70s), but it was sunny enough that the pool water was not as cold as the lake was. Nick's mom just had the pool liner replaced, so it looked fresh and bright blue. Overall, it was a very good time.

The only slight downside is that Nick's brother, L, wasn't there as he is still avoiding Nick over a dumb incident that happened between them almost a year ago. I really don't think the incident is why L is avoiding Nick may have been the initial reason, but he has withdrawn from the whole family pretty much because he is going through a lot right now. He is still heartbroken over breaking up with his longtime girlfriend even though it has been about a year now. When they broke up, he had to move back into his mom's house, which never makes a full-grown man of 26 feel good. He also recently totaled his truck, which he had been very proud of and loved (a new red Toyota Tacoma). He doesn't have enough money to buy a new car, so he's stuck either getting rides from his mom or stepdad or borrowing one of the family cars. Another blow. He's currently in intensive training to become a firefighter, and Nick's mom claims that when L graduates from the academy that he'll come back around because he will feel accomplished and like his life's back on track. N is not so sure about that and feels that L is no longer his brother and he will never see him again. That makes me sad that Nick has had had several family members basically disown him and go for long stretches of time without talking to him or seeing him over stupid, petty stuff. I hope L comes around soon and they can resolve their issues because I know Nick would be so happy if that happened. He still dreams about his brother constantly.

Anyways, what else? Visiting my family has become *slightly* annoying because almost every conversation now revolves around my younger sister, Amber, getting pregnant and having a baby. She's planning on trying for a baby this summer, so that's all she and my mom want to talk about. Amber is definitely in "nesting" mode trying to get her body and her house baby ready. She's been reading all these pregnancy books and doing research online. She has spent a lot of money recently on a whole line of non-toxic makeup and beauty products and stainless steel pans. She's also buying organic food now. All of that kind of makes me laugh because it just seems so extreme, you know? It's her body and her baby so she can definitely do what she wants and I commend her for trying to be as healthy as possible, but I just keep thinking to myself that that definitely wouldn't be me if I were pregnant, but then I remember that I'll never be pregnant.

I keep going back and forth between being sad about never getting to experience pregnancy and what it's like to have my own child and being understanding that it's not for me. One day when Nick and I are old and most of our family has passed on, it might suck that it's just the 2 of us still. Amber will have created her own family with her kids and eventual grandkids, but we won't have anyone. Sure, we can always visit them and I'm sure I'll be very close to her kids and grandkids, almost as if they are my own. But obviously, it's not the same. Then, on the other hand, I realize Nick and I are not cut out to be parents. We fight and argue way too much and have relationship problems that wouldn't be good for a baby or kids. Nick is quick to anger over too many things, so I don't think he could even handle being a dad. His own dad had similar anger problems and Nick tells stories of being afraid of his dad as a kid. I wouldn't want to repeat history and put a kid through that. Nick is a good person and has a good heart, he just can't control his anger sometimes. Then there's me. I'm not a good wife at all, so I probably wouldn't make a good mother. There are many times I don't treat Nick with love and respect. Again, not a good situation to bring a kid into. I'm also a big fat pig who is too overweight to even be pregnant in the first place, so it's a moot point. I weigh 260 lbs. and I've already been on high blood pressure and heartburn medicine for years. Next up will be cholesterol meds and a type 2 diabetes diagnosis if I don't get my act together and do something about my health, but that seems unlikely. I'm also already driven insane by never getting time to myself since Nick is always at the house, so imagine me having a baby/kid to take care of? "Time alone" would be a figment of my imagination and I probably wouldn't be a very happy person.

So - the conclusion is that kids aren't meant for me and Nick. I kind of wish I had come to this conclusion before we got married, but I was young and dumb and got married with this fairytale idea that we would have a family one day. What's the point of getting married if you aren't going to have a family? I get some people may still want the commitment that marriage brings, but I could have just been eternally engaged and that would have been enough of a commitment for me. I say this now with hindsight but I know at the time "marriage" was the ideal. Lame. It's not that I don't love Nick and don't want to be with him, but...I don't know. It's just one of those, "knowing what I know now," things. Sometimes I wish we were still just dating so that I could live in my own place and he could live in his own place and I could see him when I want to, not 24 FREAKING 7. I know I probably wouldn't really like that, but it's a fantasy I have from time to time.

I also really regret changing my last name now. I did that so I would have the same last name as "our kids". Now that there won't be any, I feel resentful that I changed my name, my identity, for no reason. Nick's last name comes from a grandfather who was a bad husband and a terrible father. I don't like that I have this name because Nick's grandmother happened to marry this loser and have a kid with him. He has not been around in Nick's or Nick's dad's life, but here we all are, bearing his name. My maiden name, on the other hand, is so much more meaningful to me because it came from my grandfather, who was one of the best men you'd ever meet. He served our country in WW2, provided for his family, and was married to my grandmother for 52 years before she passed. The whole women changing their last names thing is old-fashioned and needs to stop. We should all just keep the names we are born with. I've strongly considered changing my name back to my maiden name, but I probably won't. It's such a huge hassle to change your name and I'm not even sure my state allows it without a divorce decree. I've also been known at my job for many years now with this name and I know it would make people wonder what is going on in my relationship if I changed my name back to my maiden name yet was still married. I can imagine. Sigh. I just feel no connection to this name and I don't like it.

My older sister, Angel, also does not want kids. She's going to be 39 this year, so it's probably too late anyway. She's also married to a guy in his late 50s, so I doubt he wants to deal with a baby. We were the first two to get into the cold lake on Saturday and I made a comment about not having kids and she said something like, "yeah because then everything is your fault," or something like that. I guess she feels like if she had a kid, the kid would eventually blame her for its problems? idk. She definitely just wants to be the "fun aunt" and then hand the kid back over to its parents. At least I have her to bond with over not having kids. Everyone else I know has them or will be having them. Cindy's daughter, E, (the one I used to describe as "the friend I've known for forever") also wants to have a baby as soon as she's married this October. She was supposed to get married in November 2020, but she pushed the wedding back because of the coronavirus.

E and I used to sort of be in competition with each other as kids/teens. I mean, there wasn't much of a competition because she was "better" than me in every way. She had way more friends, boyfriends, etc. She's also way more successful than me now, making $120,000/year as a CRNA. Her soon-to-be husband is a lawyer and he recently got a job making $75,000/year and she called his salary "peanuts". What would she think of my $56,000/year? I must be a peasant to her. I don't even know why I'm talking about her because I literally never see her anymore and we aren't friends at all. I'm invited to her wedding so I'll see her there this fall, but I'll probably never see her again after that. As I've said before, it's her mother that I'm close to, not her. I know that sounds odd to say that I'm closer to someone who is in her 70s than someone my own age, but that's truly how it is. Her mother is like an aunt to me whereas she has nothing to do with me.

Anyways, that's a lot of thoughts for the day. I'm going to eat my lunch of cottage cheese, mixed fruit, and pita crackers now. Trying to be healthy, I know it won't last long.

10:26 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2021


previous - next

latest entry






random entry