Not for Me

Since the last time we chatted, I turned 32 and Joe Biden won the Presidential election, thank God. It is definitely time for Trump to go.

I would like to write more about my environment and how things are at this exact time. With the way life changes slowly over time, it can be hard to pinpoint what I was like and what I was doing at a specific time.

SO - I just turned 32. I had a lovely birthday celebration with both my fam and Nick's fam at their lake house. Chocolate cakes all around (my favorite is the one my mom and Amber made out of a box - with rainbow sprinkles). Nick's mom got me an Amazon gift card and a giant bottle of champagne that I've been working my way through in the last few days. Heck, it'll probably be gone by tonight. His grandparents gave me a $100 check, very nice. My mom, in celebration of me now owning a cute orange tabby cat, gifted me several little orange tabby cat statues. I have never expressed interest in such statutes, but I accepted them with a smile because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. They actually kind of creep me out though lol. Nick surprised me by doing much better in the gift department than he has before. He got me a customized Lana Del Rey coffee cup and a nice set of fancy sushi plates (with chopsticks and a little holder for soy sauce). It was all around a good time.

I am currently obsessed with the 90 Day Fiance series on TLC. I binge-watched several seasons during the Covid shut down and I'm still not done. I'm almost done with 90 Days: Before the 90 Days (where the American goes to a foreign country to meet their online boyfriends or girlfriends).

The show My Big Fat Fabulous Life with Whitney Thore on TLC also just resumed and I love it! Whitney and her friends are just hilarious. I can also relate to her since I'm also a plus-sized woman. I don't weigh anywhere near what she does, but I know she's more in shape than I am. She has competed in weight lifting competitions and she constantly works out.

I, on the other hand, am basically a sloth. I was in a good routine during shut down with lifting weights a couple of times a week and walking several days a week, but since I've been back at work, that has stopped. I've also been drinking wine during the week, which I use to have a rule to not drink during the week (ya know, moderation maybe??). I still weigh near 260 lbs, which is horrible. I sit all day long at a computer at work and then I go home to the couch where I sit and drink wine. I have dinner, and then I go to bed. That's all that's been happening!

I just feel bad that I'm only 32 and I've let myself go to the point that I need blood pressure and heartburn medications. Both conditions are directly related to my weight (and alcohol doesn't help). These things will eventually take their toll and could cause some major health problems in the future. I could have a stroke or a heart attack. And the heartburn medication I've been taking daily, for oh, going on 7 years now, is only supposed to be taken as a 2 week treatment. However, when I stop taking it, I have the worst heartburn imaginable to the point I just have to take another pill. It's a "rebound effect" of discontinuing the medication and symptoms get significantly worse. If I stayed off the medication, the symptoms would eventually get better, but I haven't been able to make it past even a day without it. I've talked to my doctor about the heartburn and she continues to prescribe the medication for me, so she's aware of how long I've been taking it. She did recommend some alternative heartburn treatments if I did want to stop the heartburn medication (mix some baking soda in water and papaya enzyme tablets??). I just really enjoy having no heartburn at all with one little pill.

My sister, Amber, and I both kind of went wild during the quarantine period when our jobs and everything closed. We both were drinking and eating a lot and just having a grand old time. However, since August, she has stopped drinking wine and has started lifting weights a couple of times a week and taking walks after work. She's been eating mostly what she wants with maybe some portion control. Since August, she's lost about 13 pounds. I'm still stuck in my quarantine weight gain. I just can't seem to find the motivation for change! Her motivation is that she and her husband might try to get pregnant this spring. She'll be turning 30, so she wants to get on that.

That's another thing I think about...having kids. Nick has made it very clear many times that he does not want any. There are many days that I feel the same way. However, there are other days that I do want to have kids and a family and it hurts me to know that it will never happen. I just don't understand what was the point of getting married if we weren't going to have a family. Sure, I guess because we love each other, but I thought there was going to be more. I definitely wouldn't have changed my last name if I had known we wouldn't have kids. I changed my name so that when we did have kids, we would all have the same name. I almost feel slightly betrayed that Nick told me in the past he did want kids and now that we're 3.5 years into marriage and we're both headed towards our mid-30s, the answer is no. Women don't have all the time in the world to have kids. Pregnancy at age 35 is considered a "geriatric" pregnancy. I just turned 32, so 35 is 3 short years away. That's not much time at all, so I really don't see Nick changing his mind by then. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad that I won't get to experience being pregnant, holding my little baby, or watching it grow up.

Amber and I have always done everything together in life (we literally have the same exact career, went to the same colleges, and even had some classes together), so it is also sad that this is something she will do without me and not something we will experience together. However, her situation is very different for mine. For one, her husband is extremely chill. Like, probably too chill, but it's fine. He is literally never upset about anything. Always calm, always quiet. Nick is the opposite. Nick gets bent out of shape over every. little. thing. and it's so annoying! Babies and kids are messy, loud, etc., so her husband would be able to handle all of that with a good vibe/attitude. Nick...maybe not. Amber's husband also makes decent money. She made him go to college and get a degree, which he did. He got a 2 year degree in Electrical Engineering and now he makes more than Amber and I, who went to school a total of 7 years (undergrad and grad), by a lot. He's also in the military (reserves), so he makes a nice little monthly chunk from that as well. Nick "barely made it out of high school" and he dropped out of community college, that his grandfather was paying for, after 1.5 years. He has never been good at school. So, he has no degrees and no skills. He has also now been unemployed for going on 8 months now. He's been getting unemployment benefits, but they are not much (equates to like $8 an hour). It's definitely better than nothing, but a JOB would be much preferred. Amber also lives in the same town as our mom (plus family and friends), so she would get free babysitting. I live an hour and a half away in a town where I have no family and no friends. I would have to pay for daycare, which goes for about $900/month up here. That is more than our house payment.

Looking at the overall picture, I can see how kids would not be a good idea for Nick and me. He maybe doesn't have the personality to handle it and he is not financially able to provide, so we could not afford everything that would come with a baby. Plus as I've mentioned, I'm not even physically fit enough to BE pregnant. So there's also that. It's just not meant for me and I have to accept that. It still makes me sad, though. I've told my mom several times now that we aren't having kids and I know she's severely disappointed. She also thinks I'm making a mistake, but what am I supposed to do? I can't make Nick want them. I also don't want to have one and then be in extreme debt because we weren't financially in a good position to provide for one.

There's more I wanted to talk about, but I have to help out with some interviews at work on Zoom. I will write more later.

1:40 p.m. - Thursday, Nov. 12, 2020


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