today.

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DINKs for Life (Double Income No Kids)

Okay, no divorce for now. Nick and I talked and we don't want to separate, but we know we have problems and things to improve (same old song and dance).

We both calmly shared our feelings. I explained that I thought that when we got married, we were on the same page about having children. I got married in the hope of a future family together. I told him that it hurt my feelings that he - without talking to me about it at all - changed his mind about having kids after we got married. That's a decision that impacts us both greatly and I wasn't included? He understood that that wasn't fair. I expressed sadness at me being the reason for his change of mind, but he said that wasn't completely it. He acknowledged that our issues are definitely one reason not to have kids, but the biggest reason is he simply just does not want them. He mentioned the stress, the crying, the pooping, etc. that babies bring. I pointed out that babies grow up. It's still just not for him. I acknowledged all the many, many things I've done wrong over the YEARS. We both admitted we have things to work on in ourselves. We aren't ready to give this up yet.

I still feel conflicted. I'm glad we aren't breaking up, but is it still fair to me to be with someone who doesn't want a family as I do? I mean, I say I want kids and a family, but do I? How do you know if you want kids? I feel like I should already "know" one way or the other by now. I'm 32 and have no desire to have a baby right now. So how do I know that will change and I WILL want one? Maybe I'm actually on the same page as Nick and don't want kids after all? I guess that's hard to know...

It's just that "babies babies babies" are all I see and hear right now. It seems all the women my age are cranking them out, with my sister being next. Nick also doesn't realize how often people say things like "when you have kids..." to women. It has happened to me twice this week already. Why do people assume that you will be having children if you are a young woman? No one is making these comments to Nick on a daily/weekly basis.

I just worry that I will feel like I missed out on something in life. Our families were expecting us to have kids. It just seems like the thing most people do. I am afraid I will regret it one day when I'm old and have no family of my own while everyone else does. My mom says I will regret it.

What can I really do, though, if I have a husband who does not want kids? Sure, I could take things into my own hands and stop taking birth control and get pregnant without his consent, but that's no good, is it? He would say I trapped him into being a dad and he would resent me. Nick has all the time in the world to change HIS mind if he does one day want kids. Men can crank out babies until they die (not that they should). Women, on the other hand, have a narrow window of time to have babies. They say pregnancies at ages 35+ are considered "geriatric". I will be 35 in just 2 years and I don't see Nick changing his mind by then. Both of our mothers had kids in their late 30s and my maternal grandmother was even in her early 40s when she had my mom, so maybe there is more time than I think and maybe Nick will change his mind one day? But I really shouldn't be hoping for him to change his mind, should I? Because he might never change his mind. That is a definite possibility. I have to believe what he says - that he doesn't want kids, not now, not ever. So, that means I have to accept that I will not be having children. A lot of people get to have them, but I'm not one of them. Not in this life. This does hurt my feelings, but there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sure some would say, "if he doesn't want the same things you want, then go your separate ways and find someone who does!". Sure, we could get divorced over this as it's a deal-breaker type situation, to have kids or not to have kids. BUT - I have never had any luck with dating. I could get divorced and just end up all alone because no one else wants me. No one wanted me when I was in the prime of my 20s and looking my best physically, so why would they want me now that I'm in my 30s, significantly overweight, and fall asleep on the couch by 9 pm every night? I don't see that scenario working out for me at all. So, I don't think it's worth risking everything I have now to *maybe* find someone else who does want kids.

Plus, I really and truly do not want to start all over with someone else. I don't WANT someone else. Even though Nick and I have our issues, he is the right person for me. I will never find someone else that I love as much as him. I just wished HE wanted kids, but he doesn't.

This has been a lot to think about and go through. I've vowed to Nick that I'll never mention having kids again and I won't. He doesn't want them, period. I will just have to enjoy my nieces and nephews from Amber.

I also just need to forget about all of this and focus on myself and being a better wife and getting physically healthier. I really need to try harder to lose weight before doing something as drastic and irreversible as weight loss surgery. I have my summer break coming up in just a week and a half, so that'll be nice to finally be out of work and to have time to myself at home while Nick is at work. At last!!!!

10:44 a.m. - Friday, Jun. 11, 2021

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