A Look Back

With a new year fast approaching, I am going to be very typical and reminisce about this past year. 2014 has, for the most part, been a great year.

For one, I FINALLY graduated from the hell that is grad school. Afterwards, I endured 3 job interviews and received 2 job offers. I accepted the job that kept me in the town I swore I would leave upon graduation. I really never thought I'd end up sticking around this area because I was only here for grad school. However, I got a job with the place I interned with, and I have truly enjoyed working there because I have fun coworkers and a relaxed work environment. It really is ideal, actually. Even if some aspects of my job may not be easy (i.e., telling parents their child has a disability), I really have been enjoying it so far. So, that is one excellent thing that has happened this year. I got out of school and successfully launched myself into the real working world, and let me just say that I LOVE having so much money! In reality, I get paid a humble amount, but to me, it's more money than I've ever had, and since I don't have kids, piles of debt, or a ton of bills, I get to keep most of it! Money has steadily been piling up since I started working, and it just makes me so happy and proud of myself that I can buy things for myself or others because I can afford it now! Very exciting indeed.

Next, N and I have also had a great year together, minus a few bumps in the road (all caused by me, but more on that later). We are still as committed and in love as ever. I can't tell you what it means to not only have someone, but to have him. I was so sad and lonely for so long, but now my heart is so warm and full with love (that sounds so incredibly cheesy and corny, but it is so true!). N tells me he loves me dozens of times everyday, paired with so many sweet kisses that cover my face. If he even has to leave the room for something, I usually get a hug and a kiss. He is the sweetest, most affectionate person! I am so lucky to have him.

While 2014 has been an overall good year, there definitely have been some low points, and all of those low points are my fault. First, my weight is still climbing up, up, up. It's really embarrassing how much I weigh. I weigh so much that I actually qualify for weight loss surgery (I know-I looked it up). My whole family has struggled with weight problems, and I'm not talking just a few pounds overweight, I'm talking morbidly obese. My own father died 17 years ago at the age of 35 due to being morbidly obese (he got up to 500 lbs at one point, no lie). Being fully aware of my family's proneness for fatness, you'd think I'd be more careful by watching what I eat and exercising. You'd think so, but I say this as I drink a sugary soda after I just ate a bowl of noodles with butter and garlic salt on them. Yeah, that'll help me slim down. My scale confronted me with the reality of my bad habits by reading 236.6. Horrifying, even more so because I'm only 5 foot freaking 2 inches tall! The fat has NOWHERE to go but out, like a big blob. A major cause of my weight gain is lack of exercise, sure. I put on about 20 lbs in grad school because it was so sedentary! Sitting in class all day on your butt and then going home and sitting on your butt some more while you do insane amounts of work will make you fat.

You know what also makes you fat? Drinking like you're a damn fish! Ever since N moved in, I have been drinking a lot more because he drinks several beers a day, so of course, I wanted to drink, too. The only problem is that I don't just drink a few beers, I drink entire bottles of wine (and I'm not talking a normal-sized bottle, I'm talking a big in 1.5 L). So, sitting on your butt all the time + drinking copious amounts of FATTENING alcohol = I am so fat. My face looks like a puffer fish. My face literally needs liposuction because my cheeks look like tumors growing on my face. Sigh.

Another BIG problem that comes from drinking is that I occasionally, quite literally, go out of my mind and this monster comes out. Curiously, this monster only comes out around N. I won't dwell too much on this because it is so painful and embarrassing to remember how I have acted towards him while under the influence. I have gone too far way too many times, and quite frankly, I'm surprised N is even still with me because that's how horrible I have been towards him. It doesn't matter I was under the influence. There is NO excuse to treat someone you supposedly love so terribly. I am so ashamed of how I've treated him, and I vow that I will never treat him like that again because I will not get out of control like that again. Drinking obviously is doing more harm than good. I drink to "feel" it, which means I often go too far and then become a demon. It truly is NOT WORTH IT. It's not worth losing N and gaining weight. It really isn't! Even though it'll be really hard, I need to give myself some rules where alcohol is concerned. I want to be realistic so I can be successful, so I don't want to say that I just won't drink ever again because that won't work. Maybe I just won't buy alcohol myself anymore. I'll drink socially, and that's it. No drinking at home just because. That's the only rule I've thought of that might be doable, but we'll see. I've already failed at it once...had another "episode" with N over the weekend (champagne especially makes me horrific), and what did I do? I bought a small bottle of wine the next day, when I told myself I would follow my new rule from here on out. I didn't even last a day!! Granted, a small bottle of wine does not affect me like larger amounts, so I didn't turn into a monster, but that's still going against my goal of losing weight. You can't drink bottles of wine and lose weight. You just can't.

I have so many stretch marks on my stomach that I may as well go live in a zoo with the tigers because I'm just as striped. How does N stand to look at me? I've asked him that, and he just kisses my striped gut and says I'm beautiful. That man is a KEEPER.

So, that is that. 2014 has been a good year, but clearly, there have to be changes made for 2015. If I can successfully make those changes, then 2015 will surely be a great year! It's nice to finally be excited about the prospect of a new year. :D

10:31 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 22, 2014


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