Home Is Where Your Mom Is

Ahh, I am not going to remember my life because I don't write anymore! I guess there's really not much to remember, but it's my life, right? It's just speeding on by and I don't want to look back one day and not to be able to remember the little moments or things people said...the kinds of things that are usually lost over time.

So, what has happened since I last wrote? I literally just looked back at my last entry to see what I said last. So, it looks like I haven't written since my excitement about the new year. I'm still trying to lose weight and also still trying to cut back on drinking. I have declared to N that I won't drink at all anymore because...well, because I had another horrifying drunken episode. I just tried typing out what happened, but I deleted it because it is yet another memory of my bad behavior that I would like to erase. It scares me because I truly feel like that kind of behavior isn't me, it can't be. I can't be such a monster on the inside, can I? N threatened (again) that he would leave me if something like that EVER happens again. I should be terrified because with my track record, it could happen again, and then I'll lose everything. I just don't know when to quit. I always go too far with the drinking. Not always, but when I'm trying to really "feel" it, I go past "feeling it" to not feeling at all because I black things out, and then this monster comes out. I say the most hateful things and yes, even get physically rough. I abhor that part of me and wish it didn't exist. It didn't used to. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now because it is there. I have to be in control and not let that side out ever again because that is not me. (I promise I'm not schizo or have dissociative identity disorder...I'm just a BAD BAD BAD drunk around N).

Anyways, moving on from that. I am excited to announce that I am getting old. I'll be 27 this year, and it is starting to show. It really is all down hill after the early 20s, isn't it? I have discovered that I have been blessed with the family gift of heartburn, so I eat tums like candy and drink alka seltzer like a cocktail (good thing I weirdly like the salty taste). The heartburn also gives me a terrible cough, so I sound like I've been a chainsmoker since age 15, even though I haven't. Ugh, I just feel like a fossil. Getting old ain't for sissies, as my mom says.

Hmm, what else...work. Work is going well, though it's starting to get busy for me. I've got a handle on everything at the moment, so it's not too bad.

Ermm...I've been feeling really sad about my mom living by herself lately. The last time I visited (2 weeks ago), I just had this sudden realization that I don't live with her anymore and probably never will again. That sounds stupid and obvious since I moved out in 2011 for grad school, but I don't know. I've always been extremely close to my mom and little sister. We've been a tight knit trio ever since my dad died in 1997 (wow, almost 18 years ago), so I happily lived at home until I had to move at 22 for grad school. I was definitely not one of those young adults who wanted to leave home as soon as possible. It just made me incredibly sad to think that the era of me, my mom, and my sister all living together under one roof is over. It almost feels wrong. I guess I've just been so busy with getting out of school and starting my new job and being in a relationship that I haven't had much time to think about it, but now that I have, it breaks my heart. If only my dad hadn't died...then she wouldn't be alone. My dad dying really attached my mom to my sister and I, so much so that she prefers us to having adult friends. We were her company, her life, her everything...and now we're both gone, moved out. Our home that seemed so small with all 3 of us in it now seems big. I sometimes wish things hadn't changed and that we were all still together, but that's not how life goes. The children are supposed to grow up, move out, and start their own lives. I just wish I didn't have to feel guilty about doing so because I feel like I'm leaving my mom behind. BUT! I must not be so sad because my sister only has a year and a half of grad school left, and she's planning on moving back home with our mom. That's the plan, anyway. We'll see what actually happens. I hope she does because she feels the same as I do-we both don't like our mom being sad and alone.

Here is a tragically sad picture of my mom watching me leave after my last visit a few weekends ago: IMG_5439

Isn't that the saddest thing you've ever seen??? It is to me. :C I guess it's a good thing I'm actually home visiting my precious Mommy as we speak. I don't have to look at that picture and cry because I know she's happy because I'm here. We'll have a fun weekend of eating bagels from Bruegger's, doing our taxes (hope I get a refund this year), eating fried chicken, and hanging out with our best family friend, Cindy.

I'm glad to be home.

9:36 p.m. - Friday, Jan. 30, 2015


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