I'm So Far Away

Ugh, I don't know what my problem is these days. I'm just "down" a lot of the time. I get easily irritated and annoyed, usually with N. I really think I'm a terrible girlfriend and that I'm not good at this relationship thing at all. Last weekend, N had a coworker and his wife come over the apartment so we could all hang out. We had a great time drinking beer, eating cheese and crackers, and playing a movie trivia game. However, N just told me the other day that I had been giving him a hard time that night, and that his coworker and his wife had picked up on it. I think alcohol makes me more negative and critical towards N...I'll bring up stuff from the past or criticize this or that.

Wtf is wrong with me! I didn't used to be like this, so I don't know where this stuff is coming from. I especially don't know why I would act like that towards N because I love him! Sure, he can be annoying to deal with sometimes, but aren't we all? He's the sweetest, most affectionate boyfriend who adores me, fat and all. I should consider myself extremely lucky to have a boyfriend at all, let alone someone I have been enamored with for a long time. You would think I would be more careful about how I treat my boyfriend since #1-he doesn't deserve to be treated like that at all, and #2-he could decide he DOES deserve better and dump my ass!

I've got to get it together and stop being a horrible, miserable person. Whenever alcohol is involved, I can sometimes go too far and then this monster comes out. Why I'm a hateful, evil person when drunk, I don't know. Again, I didn't used to be like that. I've literally hit him, yelled at him, cried, and made HIM cry during one of my drunken episodes (that was a REALLY bad night...). I feel so embarrassed and ashamed even to talk about how I've acted! It's just so far removed from who I think I am...I just don't even feel like myself anymore. I'm still me for the most part, but there's this other part that is NOT me.

Maybe being on these antidepressants is not such a good idea. Maybe combining antidepressants with alcohol (and sometimes prescription drugs, ahem) is ESPECIALLY not a good idea! What's wrong with me?? I'm just asking for disaster. I'm only on the antidepressants for anxiety, not depression. I was mainly on it for the anxiety of grad school, but I just stayed on it when I graduated to help me get through my first year of being out in the real job world. I will say, it really does help with the anxiety. I no longer get nervous speaking up in large groups of people at meetings, which is mainly when I would get anxious. I'm afraid I'll go back to being nervous and fretting about meetings days beforehand if I stop taking the medication, but I think I'll just have to deal with it. I just don't like how much I'm messing with my brain with all of these pills. I need to go back to what is naturally me, without all of this other stuff. Maybe I'll go back to being the nice person I think (and hope) I truly am. I think not writing like I used to has also had an effect...I haven't been able to express any thoughts or feelings through writing like I used to since N is with me 24/7, so I bottle it up and take it out on him at the most inopportune times.

On a lighter note, my 26th birthday is on Monday. What a horrible day for a birthday! My family is throwing me a party this weekend on Saturday, though, so it should be a lot of fun. After work tomorrow, N and I are going to the lake house to visit with his grandparents. Visiting them is always so much fun (and no, not just because they provide copious amounts of alcohol) because they are just really great people. They've traveled and lived all over the world, so they have such interesting stories to tell. His grandmother is also a fantastic cook, so we are always treated to some delicious meal, after which we play Scrabble (I won the last game!!!). Being at the lake house is like being on vacation! Great food, great people, drinking, great view of a lake, etc. I'm definitely looking forward to it.

Well, that's about all I've got for now.

11:23 a.m. - Thursday, Oct. 30, 2014


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