Blahhh, I never write anymore. That's probably because I have entered the real world of work and it consumes my time. I was hired to work for a school district for the summer after graduation, so I've literally had no summer break, which has been ROUGH. I live for summer break! Oh well, I have enjoyed getting a real paycheck.

So, what's even new? N and I are still together and going strong. Sure, we have ups and downs, but we both always forgive and forget. I think that's a good policy because you can't stay mad at stupid stuff forever. N and I had a fight last night and this morning, for example, but all is fine and dandy now. Just gotta apologize and move on. Moving on is the part that is still sometimes hard for me...I stupidly bring up past issues a lot. Oops. Gotta work on that.

I sometimes have waves of sadness because a lot of girls I went to school with are getting engaged and married. I know N loves me, but proposing and marrying me is the furthest from his mind. All of these other guys love their girlfriends so much that they want to marry them, but that's not so for me. I doubt I'll ever get married or have kids. N doesn't even want kids. It just makes me sad because I would like the proposal, the engagement ring, the wedding, the marriage, the children. I don't want those things right this second or even any time soon, but I know I do want it one day. But, I think N is content to leave things as is for a very long time. What sucks is my mom sometimes gives me a hard time about us acting like a married couple already, since we live together. Ugh. I'll just be one of those girls who has a live-in boyfriend forever. Oh well.

In other news, I have now gained 30 lbs since N moved in. I weigh more than I ever have (and I've always been big, so you can just imagine now!), so that depresses me immensely. I've always struggled with my weight and hated how I look, so now I can't even stand myself. I avoid letting other people take my picture and I practically can't even shop for clothes anymore because it's hard to find sizes big enough. I won't be able to wear anything but a sheet before long. Ughh. I think the weight gain is in part due to my birth control and this anxiety medication I've been on (the other part is due to, oh, I don't know, DRINKING WHOLE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE EVERY DAY). This anxiety medication, while it has helped immensely with anxiety on the job, makes me so incredibly tired. I come home from work, eat dinner, and then fall asleep on the couch for 4 hours before waking up and going to bed. I just have zero energy. I sometimes want to fall asleep after lunch at work, too. Ugh it's bad. I actually have an appointment with my doctor on Friday to talk about switching me to something else. That'd be nice.

Speaking of being tired, I'm tired of writing for now.

5:36 p.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 06, 2014


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