Monster Inside

I am the worst person. I don't even know myself anymore. I'm nothing but pure evil.

I got really drunk last night and had a terrible fight with N. I even made him cry! I don't remember what I said or did...I blacked all of that out. I eventually sobered up and profusely apologized and cried. I just can't drink at all. I always go too far, and I'm obviously not a fun drunk. I'm mean and hateful and just an outright bitch. I don't know why I turn into this horrible monster. I really do hate myself.

I better get my shit together or I might end up ruining everything I have with N, and that would be devastating. N is so wonderful. He accepted my apology and still loves me and wants a long, happy life with me. He wants us to forget last night and start over because today is a new day. He's so sweet and forgiving. I don't deserve for him to be so good to me when I can be so horrible to him. I'm thankful he's forgiven me and willing to move on from what happened last night. Anyone else would have dumped my ass long ago.

I just am afraid because I've said many times in the past that I won't do things like this anymore, yet it keeps happening. Not often, but often enough that it's a problem. I have to stop that, and that means I just can't drink. It's not worth losing everything for a buzz.

I'm really going to work on myself to become a better person for N. He deserves much better than what I've been giving him lately. No more bringing up the irrelevant past and all of that. It's done.

By the way, N and I have been together for 11 months today. Happy anniversary.

11:41 a.m. - Saturday, Sept. 13, 2014


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