Be Smart

Why does it seem like all of my entries of late have been horribly depressing and brief? Oh yeah, because I write them when I'm drunk. I write them drunk because I only get into fights with N when I'm drunk. Not all of the time, but there are times I can become quite belligerent. I always feel so ashamed of myself and embarrassed the next day, as I should! What the hell is wrong with me, acting like that? N is the best thing that has ever happened to me, so why am I constantly about to blow the whole thing by drunkenly arguing with him over stupid shit that does NOT even matter??

Things don't go south every time I drink, but it has happened several times lately when I've just gone way too far with the drinking. 2 bottles of champagne sends me over the EDGE. I'm just so horrified at how horribly I have treated N. I'm talking yelling at him that I don't like him and that he should get the f out. Umm, yeah. Those are not words you say to a loved one.

I don't know, I guess a lot of old insecurities come up for me when I drink. N and I used to have a very unstable friendship, and I was often hurt by him putting other women before me. Even though he has not treated me ANYTHING like that since we became a couple, I just can't seem to let all of that old stuff go. I wish I could because I don't want the no longer relevant past to ruin the amazing present I have going for me. That would be incredibly stupid indeed.

3:02 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 30, 2014


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: