I feel horrible. I got pretty drunk last night at my sister's birthday party...apparently I am a belligerent drunk, not a fun drunk.

I had just come from celebrating N's 26th bday with his family, where I had had several beers, champagne, and some special cocktail his grandparents had made. Needless to say, I was already feeling it when I got home for my sister's birthday, where I continued to drink almost a whole bottle of red wine.

My sister told me this morning that I was snapping at people and just being generally hateful. N called me right as my sister was about to open her presents, and I took the call and missed her opening her presents! That is not at all what I'm like sober...I hate what I become when I drink too much. I wish I could be one of those drunks that just laughs too much, but apparently I have a lot of dark stuff that comes to the surface when I drink too much. But I'm not always like that when I drink too much...only sometimes. I do tend to become argumentative, though.

The worst part was that I called N and somehow turned a phone call to make sure he made it back to our apartment safely into an argument about how I don't feel secure about his feelings for me since he's forever commenting on how hot other women are in movies, tv shows, etc. The women he is attracted to are nothing like me, so I feel like he doesn't really want to be with me since I'm clearly not what he likes. N got really pissed off with me because he feels he clearly shows how much he adores me and loves me everyday. That is true...he is very loving towards me every single day. I guess I'm just insecure.

Before we became a couple and were just friends, he always put bimbo girls before me. I'd drive almost 2 hours to see him and get ignored while he took phone calls from other women or while he texted them all day. True, that did not happen often, but it happened often enough that I knew I wasn't good enough for him, no matter how much he said he enjoyed being with me. He just could not see us dating for some reason, so he was always looking for the love of his life in older women, slutty girls, dumb girls, etc. He would pick these girls over me and I wouldn't understand what they had that I didn't. Obviously he eventually snapped out of that and realized everything I had to offer him, but I can't help but still have these old fears of him meeting someone else and choosing her over me.

Anyways, I feel absolutely horrible for arguing with him on his birthday. Whenever I get insecure, I always push him away by saying maybe he should move out and find someone else to be with, so I was basically trying to drunkenly break up with him on his birthday. I don't know why I always pull the break up card because that's not what I want at all. I love him, adore him, and want him to be mine forever. At this rate, though, I might just ruin everything. I need to get my drinking under control and I need to let all of those old insecurities go. If I don't, I'll ruin my relationship and end up sad and alone again, and that's the last thing I'd ever want.

11:27 a.m. - Sunday, Mar. 30, 2014


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