Ok, what am I doing?? Going off the deep end, it seems.

My sister went home for the weekend, so N and I had the apartment to ourselves. N recently had wisdom tooth surgery, so what bright idea came into my head? Oh yeah, to take some of his prescription pain pills. I was already on my way to drunk the first time I popped one of his oxycodones. After I popped it, I was momentarily afraid that I might die from the combination of alcohol and a narcotic, but no, I didn't die. Instead, I felt really good. I enjoyed how the oxycodone made me feel. It made me feel happier and more talkative. Even though I did feel happier, it wasn't that great sense of euphoria that a lot of people talk about. Either way, it felt good.

Cue me popping 2 more of N's oxycodones with alcohol over the weekend. By the end of the weekend, N only had 4 pills left, so I knew I couldn't take any more of his pills before he'd realize I was taking some of them. My sister just so happened to also have wisdom tooth surgery a week before N, and she was prescribed the same narcotic pain killers, except she didn't use any of hers at all. I was the same way when I got my wisdom teeth pulled several years ago. The heavy duty pain killers just made me throw up, so all I needed was Aleve and I was pain free. Anyways, I asked my sister to bring her pain pills from her wisdom tooth surgery whenever she came back to the apartment because N needed them for pain. True, his mouth has still been hurting even though it's been 2 weeks since surgery. I mainly wanted to have more pills in the house...

Well, my sister couldn't find her oxycodones. But, she had ear surgery last summer and was prescribed hydrocodone pain pills. Close enough, right? I googled the difference between oxycodone and hydrocodone, and I found that hydrocodone is not as powerful as oxycodone. Might I mention that by my 3rd oxycodone, the effects were already not as powerful as the first pill? Can tolerance really happen that quickly? Anyways, that cued me to take 2 hydrocodones this evening after about 5 or 6 beers. I was definitely (and still am a little bit) feeling it. I felt very sedated and sleepy feeling, as if I were exhausted. Still feeling pretty sleepy...although I probably am sleepy since I'm lame and get sleepy around 9:30 pm.

I still can't believe I've been popping narcotic pain pills that aren't prescribed to me. Am I bored with being drunk from alcohol and I'm trying a new way to feel different? I guess, I really don't know. I am concerned, though, because I know what I'm doing is dangerous, especially with mixing the pain pills with alcohol. It's like I'm asking to die. I definitely don't want to die, not at all. I'm just experimenting. I hope I don't accidentally off myself. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It is now Tuesday morning. Luckily, I did not croak in the night like I feared. I did, however, throw up around 10:30 after eating some zucchini and squash covered in tomato sauce. I was just sitting there with my sister and I started to get scared that I really might have effed myself up because I suddenly felt light headed and dizzy. I told my sister that I didn't feel good, and she said I was really pale. She asked if I felt like throwing up, and I thought about it for a second. The next second I was covering my mouth and running for the bathroom as my stomach prepared to get rid of its contents. I made it to the toilet just in time. Luckily, I felt so much better after puking. I ended up telling my sister what I had done...I had to because that's weird to just randomly throw up like that, especially when i hardly ever get sick. She was definitely surprised and scared to hear that I had taken pain pills not prescribed to me. She also demanded that I call the Poison Control hotline because since I had just thrown up, she was convinced I had overdosed and was dying. I really didn't want to call them, but she was really concerned (plus I didn't want to die). They were really no help at all...they just said that if something bad were going to happen, it would have happened hours ago shortly after I took the pills and drank the beer. That's what I figured, but the throwing up did freak me out. They also said to have someone check on me if I fell asleep in the next 2 hours, just to be sure I'm easy to rouse. At that point, I was not feeling any effects from the pills or beer. That sedated feeling was gone and I was definitely awake. So, I figured I'd be ok. My sister and I went to bed after that, and she teared up and hugged me tight before we went to our own bedrooms. I think she was afraid I might die in the night! I feel so bad for scaring and I'm so mad at myself for being so incredibly stupid, mixing narcotics and alcohol like I have a death wish. You hear about young people overdosing all the time, but I was naive and didn't think that hey, that could happen to me. I'm glad I'm ok, but wow I was stupid to do such a risky thing...right when I'm about to be done with graduate school and have a real job making real money. I don't want to off myself just as things are about to be really great for me. Needless to say, I'll never being taking any pills again. I had my experience with them and now I'm done. I also don't feel like drinking for a while...my poor liver needs a break from all I've put it through lately.

8:20 p.m. - Monday, Apr. 07, 2014


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: