I hate my mind because it never lets me stay happy for long.

Things have been going well with N, but of course, these wheels of paranoia and insecurity are starting to turn. N has been texting someone a lot lately (like, LONG messages that he scrolls back through), and thanks to my 20/20 eyesight, I saw that it was a girl named Linda. He works with someone named Linda, but I assumed she was older because of her name, but he recently mentioned that she is our age. Now that I think of it, he has mentioned her before...he said we should double date with her and her boyfriend.

Am I overreacting? Even though she has a boyfriend and N is committed to me, I just...is it normal for someone to text a coworker that much?? I just worry because N is the type to be flirty with girls, even if he has a girlfriend. Sometimes N doesn't realize that certain things are inappropriate...for example, before he moved in with me and he was looking for roommates on Craigslist, he thought it was perfectly acceptable to include FEMALES in his roommate search. He even went and met a girl at her apartment to see if she was a good potential roommate. Even worse, he didn't understand why I didn't like the idea of him having a female roommate. Ummm, hello???

Even though N is my boyfriend now, I still have fears that I don't have much of a hold over him and that I could lose him at any time to another woman who is more beautiful, funny, and who has a more interesting life story than I do. I happened to tell him the other day that if he gets tired of me and wants to get rid of me and find someone new, I would let him go since I want nothing but for him to be happy. His response was that he can't ever foresee himself getting tired of me. Who knows, though. He really seems to be enjoying chatting up this Linda. I bet he's into her and has a "work crush" on her. Sigh.

Ugh, I feel sick. At least I am taking medicine for anxiety and depression now. I only just started taking it a week ago, so it might take a few more weeks to kick in. I kind of don't like the idea of pills that are literally changing my brain, but I feel like I do need them. I've suffered long enough with depression and anxiety, so it's about time I did something about it. Drinking loads and gaining 40 pounds was NOT helping. Drinking was a short term solution that caused long term problems. The medication is hopefully a long term solution that will cause long term benefits. We will see. I was pretty nauseated the first day I took the meds, but that passed after the first day. I hope it doesn't have any other bad side effects...I know some people who try antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds really hate them and have bad experiences. So far, so good, though.

7:48 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 26, 2014


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