Hope for the Future (For Once!)

Lucky for me, all the stuff that went down last night with N was easily resolved with a simple apology from me. I'm glad N is not the type to hold grudges or drag arguments out. Once I say I'm sorry, he's says ok and we move on.

I was in a good mood today. I'm back home visiting my mom for MLK weekend. My sister is back at our apartment because she had a lot of school work to do, so it has just been me and my mom. We went to my favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch today, and my mom and I spent most of it talking about N. I really think he's "the One" and all of that magical shit. I never thought in a million years that I would find somebody who loves me, but it happened, and it actually happened pretty easily. We had classes together back in 8th grade, and then we reconnected on Facebook 8 years later in 2010. I remember feeling so at ease and comfortable around him and his family when I first saw him in person again after all that time. It was just natural. We developed a strong friendship, but then of course things became "more than friends" once he broke up with his girlfriend of four years.

We had our ups and downs along the way, but had this really been a fling between us, it should have ended a long time ago. Once we had reconnected, we spent the whole summer of 2011 hanging out, but then that fall, both of us moved away to different towns. I moved away to go to graduate school, and he moved away to live with his best friend. That very easily could have been the end of it because it had only just started and suddenly there was 90 miles of distance in the way. What guy would keep that up? But we kept in touch and I, of course, made many trips to his town to visit him. He only made a few trips to visit me, but they still count. We both "dated" other people in that time, too, so that could have ended what we had as well. But still, it didn't. We still kept coming back to each other, and now look! The guy freaking LIVES with me and is my boyfriend! He tells me the sweetest things every day, things like I mean everything to him, he cherishes every moment with me, and he'd be lost without me. I will never get tired of hearing stuff like that. I just adore him and can't even believe he's mine.

I know I keep having doubts about things, but that's natural, right? I don't doubt my feelings for him because we all know I love him. I was an utter mess without him during our 2 month break last summer. That was literally the most depressed I have ever been and the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. My mom is starting to realize just how much N means to me, and she even noted how miserable I was last summer without him. I was like, hell fucking yeah, I was miserable! Sucked SO BAD. But at least it worked out fantastically in the end.

I just felt really hopeful about the future today, and that's not usually how I feel. I've been worrying and stressing a lot about the fact that N doesn't have a good job and we won't be able to have a family, plus he doesn't even want a family, etc. One thing I do know is that N isn't lazy and he is trying very hard to find something else, it's just that it's tough out there. Once he finds something steady, we'll be fine. I won't mind being the breadwinner. I'll make decent money and he'll make ok money, so together, we'll be alright. We'll be comfortable. We'll be able to afford a cute, cozy house. I had been depressed lately, thinking that I'm not going to have a good life, but today I realized that I am going to have a good life, a good life with N. We don't have it all figured out yet, but it'll all work out and we will be ok. As far as kids...even though N still says he doesn't want them, I think he's said before that he'd have one to make me happy. I would be totally fine with just one kid. Kids are so expensive that one is financially the better option anyway. Plus, "One's fun, more's a chore," as my mom quipped today. I've always felt like I wanted at least 2 kids, but I am perfectly fine with just 1. N is only 25, so I have time to talk him into having 1 kid. So, I needn't worry about that because it, too, will work out somehow.

So, I was basically just feeling very good about N and I and our future together. It especially warmed my heart to know my mom has a "good feeling" about us and that she thinks we're a good match. THANK GOD for that because she used to give me such hell about N until she met the guy and realized she had been wrong this whole time. Anyways, she had such a "good feeling" that she actually wanted to go look at engagement rings! While I am excited to finally have everything I've ever wanted, I don't want to put the cart before the horse. I definitely don't think N and I will be getting engaged any time soon. That idea is probably not even on N's radar because he's so focused on trying to find another job. Besides, N has zero money to spend on an engagement ring. The only one he'd be able to afford is a $10 one from Walmart (no offense to anyone, they are very pretty). All of the nice rings are at least $1,000, and I just don't see him spending that kind of money on something like that. Even though it would have meaning and stuff, I'm sure he sees it as a way for jewelers to capitalize on people's love and it's just what society expects everyone to do. Sometimes he can have very unromantic views about things. I bet he doesn't even realize he should propose with a ring (if he even wants to marry me one day). He probably just thinks we'll agree to get married and we'll somehow just go and do it. There won't be a proposal or a ring. Kind of like how he didn't realize that I want to celebrate Valentine's Day this year since it's the first one in which I haven't been single. When I mentioned V Day, he immediately started ranting about how it's just a commercialized holiday for businesses to earn money and it's not about love. My face fell and I literally had to spell it out that I've NEVER had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day before, so this is new and exciting for me. The light bulb went off and he immediately changed his tune and said we would do something special since it means something to me. If he didn't realize that VALENTINE'S DAY is special, then I doubt he'll realize an ENGAGEMENT RING is special. I don't know.

It really is pointless to talk about it now because none of this is happening for a while, or ever! Who knows what'll happen. I guess we're kind of doing things out of order anyway since he already lives with me. Oh well. Life doesn't always go according to plan, but somehow things work out anyway.

11:45 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 19, 2014


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