Aaaaand I'm back to hating my life and being miserable. Why, you ask? Wellll, let's just say here comes another Valentine's Day, and what's that? Oh yeah, I'm alone like I've always been. The sadness of always being alone is starting to become unbearable. My heart will break when all of my classmates are excitedly talking about what their boyfriends/fiances/husbands did for them/got them for Valentine's Day, and I'll just be sitting there lamely, thinking I've never even had a boyfriend. Ever. Pretty sad and pathetic.

I will say, N had me going. When he visited me a few weeks ago, he was talking about being exclusive and even moving in together! I couldn't believe it. Of course, nothing was officially decided. The topic of "more" between us keeps coming up, but nothing ever happens. So, I went to visit him last week and I had the worst time I've ever had with him. He was so incredibly distant that I couldn't believe I had just driven 100 miles for him to practically ignore me. The second I got there, he revealed that some ditzy girl that lives in the apartment next door basically threw herself at him after they watched a movie together. While he ultimately didn't do anything with her (there was some "harmless flirting"), I could tell that the fact a girl showed him interest has totally taken him off the path of wanting anything more with me. He has become totally distracted by a girl who he described as ditzy and not his type at all. Wtf.

After hearing all that, I immediately shut down. When he talked about being exclusive and really started saying things that sounded like he was more serious about our relationship, I pretty much gave my heart to him. Then, hearing about the girl next door and experiencing how distant he was crushed my heart. I mean, I'm talking PULVERIZED. I put myself out there and told him that I love him and don't want anyone else, and what do I get? A soliloquy about how the girl next door wants him.

After such a terrible experience, I just want to never open up to anyone ever again. It's not worth it because it won't end in my favor anyway. I'm NEVER first choice. N might have been on the precipice of something with me, but that's probably because he had no other options. As soon as the girl next door entered the picture, all talk of us not seeing other people and all that immediately stopped. Instead, he was talking about how he could have just a "physical thing" with the neighbor girl if he wanted, since he wasn't really into her as far as dating. What a total assbag! I can't figure out why I even want this guy, ugh.

I'm even more depressed by the fact that a close family friend (someone I've always thought of as an older sister) just announced to the family that she's three months pregnant. That should be good news, right? Let me explain: this girl met her husband at 19 (they met in a ballroom dancing class in college), and they were married by the time she was 24. I was one of the bridesmaids in the wedding. They've been married for 6 years now, and they both established great careers making big bucks (he's a lawyer, she's a PA). They just recently bought their first house together, and now they have a baby on the way. Even though they've been together so long, seeing them together after they told us their baby news made it clear that they are still so much in love. They're always close by each other and have their arms either around each other or intertwined, and they're constantly laughing, giggling, and kissing each other. It's as if they're newlyweds, but they've been together for 12 years! It was so great to see what love is supposed to look like.

Of course I am happy for them and cannot wait for this baby to be born, but I couldn't help but want what they have, but I don't. I haven't been dating the same person since I was 19. I'm not getting married at age 24. I'm not in love. No one loves me. This may seem like this is all I ever talk (or whine) about, but loneliness is very painful. I don't really feel connected to anyone, for that matter. My best friend and I aren't close anymore, and I'm not close to my younger sister anymore either. Both my best friend and sister are ALWAYS on their phones texting, so much so that I feel like I have a better relationship with them through texting when I'm away at school than when I'm actually physically there with them. That is tragic! Society sucks now and has totally devolved.

Sigh. I wish I could be happy being alone. Some people don't mind it, but I do. I'm as unhappy as I've ever been, and I don't know if I'll ever be truly happy.

8:36 p.m. - Wednesday, Feb. 06, 2013


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: