Me Time

Oh my God, I made it through what was most likely the hardest semester of my graduate program!! How I did it, I really don't know because it got so tough sometimes that I hated life and contemplated quitting my program (despite being, oh THOUSANDS of dollars in debt for it). I'm a laid back person and things, even stressful things, don't normally get to me, but even this was a bit much. BUT I MADE IT!!!! Not saying there won't be more tough times ahead, but I think I can make it.

Anyways, I've finally realized something. You know how I've been pining over my friend with benefits and wishing he would like me more than a friend? Yeah, I'm over that. At least, for now I am. I've known all along in my brain that this guy is not my match. I'm going to have a Master's degree soon (and then a Specialist degree a year after that), and this guy, in his OWN words, "barely made it out of high school" and of course, did not go to college. He currently does work grooming dogs and he has recently resumed his habit of smoking pot with a bunch of losers that live in his apartment complex. Oh, he also has an STD that I put myself at risk of contracting every time I get with him.

I must be nuts to even consider this guy! Don't get me wrong, he is a good person at heart and usually is fun to be around. If he wasn't, I wouldn't spend so much time with him! He also comes from a really great family (I'm talking his mom's side). Sometimes, though, he's not fun to be around and how he acts can even be scary. For instance, the last time I visited him, he was driving us somewhere, and his GPS unit kept falling off of the windshield, which caused him to fly into a rage. He literally picked up his GPS and threw it down as hard as he could, almost breaking it. It made him so mad that he wanted to turn around and go back to the apartment. He has acted like that before (usually when he's driving-he has serious road rage), and instead of making a joke out of everything and making the situation light-hearted like I would with anyone else, I just shut down, become completely quiet, and stare out the window. It terrifies me when he acts like that! No one should become that enraged over something silly like that. It makes me feel like I have to walk on eggshells, waiting for the next event that'll set him off.

My mom has always said that when choosing a guy, watch how he handles negative situations and negative feelings. If he doesn't handle them well, that's a big red flag because there are a LOT of negative situations and feelings in life. Things don't always go the way they're supposed to and aren't always good. So, if this guy is flipping out over a GPS unit falling off of the window...what would he be like as a father when the kids are tearing up the house on a daily basis? I'm going to say PROBABLY NOT GOOD.

So yeah, I've realized that I actually don't want him after all. I still very much have emotions tied up where he's concerned because he was my first for everything, and we are good friends who also happened to be extremely physically attracted to each other. We're both single, so that's why we've been fooling around for a year and a half. I have tried stopping the physical part many times, mainly because I live in fear of catching the STD he has. I've been as smart as I can be with the situation as far as informing myself as much as possible and taking every precaution. Still, I know nothing but abstinence is 100% at protecting me. I have also tried stopping the physical because it has depressed me countless times to think about me giving up such an intimate part of myself to someone who doesn't want me as a girlfriend. Even though he is not using me and I "agreed to the terms and conditions" before we ever did anything, I still can't help but feel somewhat "used". I know lots of young people these days do the casual sex thing like it's nothing, but I don't really like it. Unfortunately, it's all I've been doing because that's all I can get, but I don't really like it. I would much rather be in a committed, loving relationship, but as everyone in the world knows, I haven't ever had a boyfriend.

Also, unfortunately, stopping the physical has never worked because I'm lame and go back on my word. The attraction between me and this guy is so strong that it is very hard to resist him and go back to being "just friends". I have also tried convincing myself that the casual sex thing is not a big deal and that I shouldn't worry about it, basically to allow myself to think what I'm doing is okay. The biggest thing that really makes me want to stop is the STD risk. Why would I risk a lifetime of health for a short-term thing? I know we're never going to be anything more! It's not worth it. End of story.

So, perhaps I'll start a New Year's resolution a little early, and that's to put myself first. I'm going to stop whining about being alone and never having a boyfriend and just focus on myself. I'm going to get myself through graduate school, try to lose some weight, and just focus on ME for once.

11:12 p.m. - Saturday, Dec. 15, 2012


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