The Fall

Ok, now I'm confused. I had finally accepted in my mind that my friend, N, and I would never be more than just friends. I had accepted it and also realized that we're not a match anyways.

BUT THEN! I went to visit him. I'm glad I did because he was in a really tough spot emotionally. He has a dog, and because he recently moved to an apartment, he can't keep him there because his dog really needs a yard to run around in. A coworker of his was keeping his dog temporarily, but a neighbor complained of the dog barking. Really? That's what dogs do! So anyways, he was totally upset because he couldn't find anybody to take his dog, and he thought he would have to lose his dog to a shelter right before Christmas. He's such an animal lover, and he literally loves this dog. He got choked up a few times thinking about losing him. I'm glad I was there to be supportive because I know he would have been a total mess had I not been there. I thought of several people who might be willing to take his dog, so I at least gave him hope that his dog would not be going to a shelter. I stayed positive, thought of some solutions, and gave him hope. I could tell I was making an impact because he rested his arm on my leg as we drove around town, and later at the apartment, he put his arm around me, kissed me on the cheek, and whispered in my ear, "thanks for everything".

Sadly, we later got into an argument over something stupid. He was playing a video game (boring), so I called a friend for something to do. Apparently, he did not like that I was talking to a male friend (jealous), so he actually left the apartment! I was there by myself, so I kept talking to my friend. When N came back and saw I was still talking on the phone, that pissed him off even more, so he pettily sat beside me and called a female friend of his. We both eventually got off the phone, and he started arguing with me about being on the phone. I told him I was bored watching him play that video game, so yeah, I found something else to do. He somehow twisted that around into me not caring about him, and that pissed me off. How many times had I driven 100 miles to see him???

I pathetically ended up crying about the situation because I just can't seem to win with him. He doesn't want me, but oh, if I call a male friend, he becomes so jealous and angry. He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me, either. However, when I started crying (and I wasn't sobbing and wailing, a few tears just escaped my eyes), he immediately became soft and sweet. He took me in his arms and sat me on the couch and told me not to cry. The argument forgotten, we started kissing. And then the cause of my confusion: he whispered in my ear, "if we're just friends, why are we holding each other and kissing each other like this?". WTF??? I said I didn't know because all I've ever heard from him is that we're too good of friends to date, so I had to shut those feelings off. We kissed some more, and he whispered, "do you know what you mean to me?" I said no, I don't. The kissing eventually led to an amazing makeup, I'll just say.

The next morning after he got ready for work, he came up to me and kissed me intimately several times. People who are just friends don't do this stuff, right?? Even though I had spent two days with him, he wished I didn't have to go, and I didn't want to go, either. Time was up, though. He kissed me and hugged me goodbye, and I left.

On the way home, he texted me, saying, "I know I keep saying this, but you have no idea what it meant to have you by my side in my time of need. I barely held myself together, but you were a strong positive force. I'll also be thinking about last night all day, and longer! I haven't had sex that good in years, probably." Sigh.

After all of that, he's all I can think about. I guess I was lying to myself because I do want him, I really do, even though he's got major issues. I'm not perfect, either. I think I love him. But, I told him we're not a match and that it wouldn't work, so maybe I ruined any chance that could have been. Oh well, what's meant to be, will be. I'm not going to worry about it.

1:01 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 23, 2012


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