Harden My Heart

So, I thought I could do the whole friends with benefits thing again with N without getting emotionally involved and attached. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, seriously. Why would I possibly think I wouldn't get attached when I already did once before? I guess I thought I could shut off the feelings, or at least deny them and pretend I didn't have them...well, I FAILED miserably at that.

I was supposed to visit him this Thursday, but he conveniently didn't tell me that his work schedule had changed and that he would be working. I had literally been looking forward to this visit all week, so much so that I managed to get through another grueling week of graduate school without wanting to quit. Whenever things at school got tough, I just thought, "oh well, at least I've got a fun trip coming up this weekend to look forward to!". It was pathetic how excited I was about this trip.

The night before I was supposed to make the trip, I washed and packed all my clothes and everything I would need. After I was done, I decided to call him before I went to bed. We talked for a little bit, and he didn't even mention me visiting, as if he had forgotten about it. When he started saying things like, "hopefully we'll get to see each other soon", my heart sank because I knew the trip was off. I still lamely asked, "oh, I thought I was visiting tomorrow?", and that's when he revealed his work schedule change. Ummm, THANKS FOR TELLING ME. I hid my disappointment well, even though I was totally crushed on the inside.

Adding insult to injury, he proceeded to tell me about the "non-date" he went on with a girl earlier in the week. He said he was at Bi-Lo when a girl who worked there gave him her number. He said they had a good time when they went walking around downtown together, but he said he wasn't interested in dating her, so he let her down easy by saying he wasn't in the right place mentally to date anyone, even though that's a lie. He wants nothing more than to find a girlfriend. So, there I was, already crushed because I wouldn't be seeing him, but then I had to sit there and listen to him talk about hanging out with other girls. Ok, he wasn't interested in her, but still. Damn, I'm jealous.

To make me feel even worse, he acted like he didn't care that it would probably be a while until we saw each other next. He said I could visit on Saturday because he gets off work at 6, and he has Sunday off, but he said it was "my call" if I wanted to do that. He didn't say anything like, "I really wanted to see you, so come on Saturday instead" or anything like that. He didn't care. I told him no, just forget about it.

Anyways, the next day after working at my traineeship, I got on the interstate to go back to my home town, as I do every weekend (it's only an hour and ten away). I was so depressed that I was going back home instead of to see N. Of course, then I started thinking about how N wants to date anyone but me, and just how no one wants to date me in general. The disappointment of the cancelled trip and the aching feeling of being so unwanted just piled up and became too much, so I couldn't help but cry. It wasn't just a gentle tears flowing down the face cry either, it was actual sobbing. My heart actually hurt, and I felt a literal pain in my chest.

It probably didn't help that I had just come from a meeting at a middle school where all the women at the meeting had wedding rings on. Instead of paying attention during the meeting, I couldn't help but think about how all the women in the room had men who wanted them, men who loved them so much that they bought rings for them and married them. I really must be getting older because everywhere I go, I am the only one who is single. Everyone else is paired up. No one loves me and wants to buy me a ring.

It also didn't help that one of the school psychologists that I shadow just found out she is pregnant with her second child. She's not much older than me, but she's already married and has 2 kids. I couldn't help but think about how a man loved her so much that he married and her and wanted her to be the mother of his children. No one even wants to date me, let alone wants me to be the mother of his children. That's sad because I do want children one day, and I think I would be a good mom because I have so much love to give. I have so much love, but no one to give it to. :(

I had to take a personality test as part of an assignment for one of my classes, and part of the results talked about how my self-esteem is determined by external events and how others act towards me. No shit, Sherlock. One cancelled trip and I'm in a downward spiral of depression, wailing my usual song about being unwanted. I bet I am clinically depressed, no doubt about it. Normal people probably don't feel like a worthless pile of garbage, a waste of space and time, unwanted. At least not every single day. Lucky them.

SOOOO, the whole point of this entry was to show that I am a brainless twit for thinking I could be with N without getting emotionally attached like I did before. Seriously? Look, one cancelled trip and a mention about a girl giving N her phone number and I'm practically ruined and devastated.

I don't know when I'll ever get it through my thick skull that no one will ever want me, and that I just need to SHUT DOWN any and all hope of that ever changing. Hope is stupid because it won't go away even though things are obviously never going to change. I want to stop hoping to find someone who wants me, I want to stoping wanting someone to love. It's just not going to happen, so maybe if I realize that, I won't keep getting disappointed and devastated. I need to accept that I'm meant to be ALONE. Maybe I'll stop wearing makeup and dressing nicely...we only ever do those things to look nice for other people, right? Well, since I have no hope of anyone wanting me, why even bother? Yeah, I might start slumming it because no one fucking cares when I try really hard to look pretty and nice. Just give it up!

I'm going to Google how to shut down feelings again because having them just hurts too much.

1:23 p.m. - Saturday, Sept. 29, 2012


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