To Be FWB or Not to Be FWB...that is question.

I really must be a dolt.

I've pretty much decided to start things up with my friend with benefits again, who I'll call N. I had ended things because 1) I thought I had finally found someone who actually wanted me (the Marine), and 2) I was tired of being with someone who didn't want me, at least not as a girlfriend. It was pretty easy to end things because we live 100 miles apart in separate towns. He works a lot and I'm in graduate school, so we're both busy with our own lives.

HOWEVER...I recently saw him after a 2 month hiatus, and let me tell you, the attraction that is between us is undeniable. Even though we hadn't seen each other in months, all we had to do was look at each other, and we knew everything was still there. It doesn't matter how much time passes because it never changes. I was actually kind of mad at myself because there I was, clearly floundering and considering going back on my word of not wanting to fool around anymore. What does that say about me if I can't keep my word?

Sigh, I don't know. I'm just afraid of making a huge mistake and living to regret it. I've had my fair share of issues in the past from being with this guy because I developed feelings for him while he just wanted to be friends, nothing more. I was extremely hurt when he started seeing another woman, so much so that I experimented with drugs and had a few one night stands, all in an effort to "get over" him (none of that works, by the way). I just don't want to get emotionally attached to him again and go through all of that. I've been down that road, and I don't like it. Sigh. The smart decision would be to simply not get involved with him again, but when there's an attraction that strong...um, that is hard.

I don't know what to do!

12:56 a.m. - Sunday, Sept. 23, 2012


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