So, the thing I had going with the Marine has pretty much fizzled out, due in no small part to his ex-girlfriend being newly single. His ex was the only girlfriend he's ever had, and he was pretty torn up when they broke up, which I understand was not too long ago. Admittedly, this could just be conjecture on my part because all I'm basing this on is the fact that I've only gotten a handful of texts from him in the past several weeks (although I know this time of year is busy for him), and that he has made numerous posts to his ex's Facebook page (posting funny pictures of animals and stuff...he has also "liked" virtually all of her recent status/picture updates).

Sigh. Oh well. I'm used to not being the first choice, so I am sadly used to this. For example......

I wasn't first choice for my graduate program. They put me on a waitlist.

My "friend with benefits" doesn't want me, even though it was more than just friends with benefits. We were practically in a relationship without the label for a year. I'm talking about meeting families, long weekend visits, dinners, movies, grocery shopping, sharing hopes and dreams, pillow talk, etc. Of course, I started liking him more than he likes me. OF FREAKING COURSE. He has even said that he's thought about us dating many times, but he "just doesn't think it would work". I don't get WHY he says that because there's nothing hard or difficult about our relationship. We get along great, we are comfortable with one another, we don't fuss and argue, we support each other, etc. It's worked this whole time (though technically it wasn't an official relationship), so I don't see what he thinks would go wrong if we did date. He has said in the past that he doesn't want to take the risk of losing me as a friend if dating doesn't work out. So, let me get this straight...he might lose me as a friend if he DATES me, but having SEX with me is ok? What the hell is wrong with guys???
He has almost "lost" me several times because I wasn't sure I could handle being just his friend when I obviously felt more. When you like someone, it really blows hearing about other women he's interested in. IT REALLY DOES. It especially hurts when he can so easily "fall" for a woman he met for 5 seconds at the grocery store, yet he can't love me. I've been there for him during his darkest hours and have been a loyal and supportive friend. I'm smart, funny, and pretty. I'm ambitiously working towards a Master's +30, which I'll have by the time I turn 25 (I'm currently 23). And while I may be tooting my own horn at the moment, I'm very down to earth and laid back. It just really doesn't help my self-esteem to show someone everything I've got (the emotional, the physical, the intellectual, etc.), and he would rather have someone he barely knows anything about. He can just see a woman for 5 seconds and instantly want to pursue a relationship with her, yet we've been hanging out for a year and a half now, and he doesn't think it would work.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I just don't know what I would have to have for him to actually want more with me. I shouldn't even ponder that because the fact is he DOESN'T want more, and that will never change, so I should just move on. I have tried distancing myself from him, and have even contemplated just letting him go from my life completely. It wouldn't be too difficult to do because we live in different towns 100 miles apart, he's busy with work, and I'm busy with graduate school. It would be easy to just cut it all off. In fact, I currently haven't even seen him for almost 2 months.

BUT, just when I am thinking about him less and less, and getting used to him not being in my life, he reels me back in. He always says exactly what I would want a guy to say to me. I may not know what I want consciously, but when he says it, I can instantly recognize it. For example, I had been doing the whole distancing thing, and it had been going really well. I was thinking about him less and less, was less attached, and then BOOOOOM. He texts me a picture of his new haircut (he used to have long hair that he wore in a ponytail...not my favorite look on a guy). I instantly missed him and wanted him sooo bad. He texted, "you want me, don't you?". That could be a typical guy response of him thinking he's hot stuff and every woman just swoons at the sight of him, but he was actually right. It was as if he read my mind.

Not only that, but he'll be in town tomorrow, and he said he wants "to see my face". What girl can resist that???

9:24 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2012


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