The Point

Why is my username even happyone? I am never happy. I may be happy on the surface, but there is a profound sadness at my core that has been there for a very long time.

I can feel myself getting sucked back into the whole friends with benefits thing with my close friend. Seeing him the other day has successfully planted him at the forefront of my mind again, where I'm sure he'll stay for a while. I had almost succeeded in getting over him because I had firmly decided in my mind that I did not want to sleep with him any more out of unhappiness with the FWB situation (and I also thought I may have found something special with the Marine, but that doesn't appear to be the case). Not seeing him for two months also helped with moving on. However, now that I've seen him, I want nothing more than to be with him. There is just this undeniable attraction between us that doesn't go away no matter how much time has passed since we've seen each other. We can just look at each other, and it's there. I just know I'll regret it afterwards if I do get with him again, and it won't feel too good if, scratch that, WHEN he starts talking about other women he met and thought were beautiful, perfect, dateable, etc.

Yeah, this is NOT a good idea. I've moved on from that and don't need to go backwards. He doesn't want me (except for my body), so he should just leave me alone. Well, I guess I shouldn't say he wants me just for my body because that's not true at all. We've known each other for 10 years, and we were friends first. We're also really close and have a lot of fun being together, whether it's just the two of us or we're with his family. But, he has no idea what being with him like that does to me. It may be fun in the moment (although sometimes, not so much), but I always feel so bad about myself afterwards. Here's a guy who DOES NOT WANT TO DATE ME, but I'm letting him get very close to me, so close that it is hard not to get attached and have feelings. It makes me so sad to be with someone like that, knowing they don't want me and that they're looking for someone else because I'm not good enough. It just hurts so bad when I hear him talk about wanting to date women he just met and knows nothing about. I hear that all the time from him, that he met a woman at the store and instantly wanted to ask her out. What is it about these women that makes him want to date them and not me? What do they have that I don't? Obviously, I'm missing something. I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend.

I've never been good enough for anybody. Here I am, soon to be 24, and I still have never had a boyfriend. The years keep ticking by, and I'm still alone. Still have never been loved. That is just so terribly sad. I mean, just think about what that does to your self-esteem if, after all these years, no one has ever liked you. No one has ever gotten excited to see you, no one has ever wanted to hold your hand, no one has ever wanted to hug you or kiss you, no one has ever wanted to call you to hear your voice, no one has ever wanted to call you his own, no one has ever loved you. I'll tell you what it does. It makes you feel like a worthless pile of garbage, and it makes you wonder why you're even here, why you even exist if you're so unwanted and unloveable. You wonder what the point is, or if there even is one at all.

I should just get used to the fact that the future holds nothing for me as far as "love". Somehow, even after all these years of being alone, I guess a small part of me still hoped that one day I would find "the One" and have the house, the family, the love. I need to just STOP. Give that up. I need to be realistic and realize that I'll most likely be one of those people who just never gets married or has a family of her own. Sometimes that's just the way it works out for people, some by choice, and some by circumstance. I need to accept that and let it go.

I wish there was some way to shut down feelings and not care. If I didn't have feelings and didn't care, then all this stuff wouldn't hurt me and make me sad the way it does. And I don't mean I want to shut off everything and become an unfeeling robot, but I just want to shut off the part of me that wants to be loved so badly. Just shut that part off so that I won't give a flying flip about having a boyfriend, getting married, or having a family. Hmm...I might Google that.

12:26 a.m. - Sunday, Sept. 16, 2012


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