I am profoundly sad right now, but the really sad part is that I have no right to be sad.

The guy friend I have been fooling around with (and invariably developed feelings for) for about a year has joined a dating website, and has already been on a date with a 45 year old woman he met on there. Their date lasted 8 hours, several of which were spent making out. Of course, my guy friend called me the next day to gleefully tell me all about it, and how he "hadn't kissed that much since high school".

I just feel so stupid and unwanted. Stupid, because I agreed to do the "friends with benefits" nonsense. Being the girl, I couldn't help but develop feelings for this guy, even though I initially only saw him as a friend. It probably didn't help that he was my first. Unwanted, because this male friend of mine prefers a 45 year old woman over me. My friend and I are both in our 20s! Come on, this lady has a son my friend's age! If a pretty, happy, easy-going, bright-eyed young girl of 23 who is halfway to a Master's degree can't outdo a 45 year old woman, then there is something wrong with the 23 year old. I mean, right??? What's WRONG with me? Why doesn't anyone ever want me?

There must be something profoundly wrong with me that I'm not aware of because no matter what, guys only ever see me as a friend and never anything more. I am 23 and have yet to have a boyfriend, so there just has to be something defective about me.

Maybe I am just meant to be alone. If that's the case, I don't know why God put in me such a desire to be with someone. I mean, is this all a cruel joke? Make me want nothing more than to love and be loved, yet never allow it to happen?

I hate this.

1:20 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 27, 2012


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