Nothing more.

Well, I survived my first year of graduate school. Barely.

I had to take 2 five-week summer classes, which just wrapped up last week, and they almost KILLED me! Five weeks is not a lot of time to cram whole courses into, so it was overwhelming from the beginning. I was ok until about halfway through it, when things got really hard. I became so depressed and hated life so much. I dreaded going to school and contemplated quitting every day. I knew I couldn't quit, though, because so many people would be disappointed (including myself), and I've already gone thousands of dollars in student loan debt for this program.
I would come home from class and sleep for hours, wake up, freak out about how much work I had to do, and stay up late into the night trying to get it all done. You would think the solution would be not to nap after class, but I would literally be so exhausted and mentally drained that I just had to.
I would often cry as I tried to do my reading assignments, with tears just streaming down my face. Many nights I would fix myself a drink, and by drink, I mean a sprite and vodka. It was the only thing that made me feel a little bit better, and it also helped me go to sleep. Otherwise, I would lay in bed at night with my stomach in knots from anxiety and my mind racing about everything.

School was enough stress by itself, but I was (and am) still dealing with the loss of my friendship with my guy friend (the one I foolishly decided to lose my virginity to and sleep with for 9 months, thus making me attached to him). Ever since he started dating the 45 year-old, our friendship pretty much stopped. No more phone calls, no more texts, definitely no more visits to see each other. I actually haven't seen him in two months. It just really hurt me how he forgot me so quickly when we were supposed to be close "friends". He used to confide in me all the time and tell me everything: his fears, hopes, dreams, how his day went, etc. We also hung out all the time, me coming to visit him, him coming to visit me, even though we live an hour and half away from one another in different towns. I've met his whole family and have really enjoyed spending time with them as well. It was pretty much like we were in a relationship (and he even said so himself when we talked on the phone for the first time in over a month a few weeks ago), and for all of that to suddenly stop and disappear was hard for me.

It made me think it had all been a lie, that he hadn't actually been my friend or cared about me at all. He just wanted to have sex with me while he looked for someone else he actually wanted to date. I was good enough for sex, but not good enough for a relationship. He actually said once that he "wouldn't want to date me because we're too good of friends". So, he didn't want to date because it could potentially ruin the friendship if it didn't work out, but we could have SEX and be ok??? What was he thinking??? He had to have known that sex between friends almost ALWAYS ends badly!! He just wanted to get some. Anyways, the instant he found someone he actually wanted to date, he disappeared. He didn't need me anymore. He was getting sex from someone he actually liked and wanted to pursue, so I was definitely no longer needed. It had been fun getting sex from me and having my companionship, but he found someone better, someone he could possibly have a future with (though I don't see how, with the 20 year age difference...plus, she already has 4 kids!), so our time together was done. It was as if those 9 months we constantly spent with each other never even happened.

No one has EVER wanted a relationship with me, so I can't believe I duped myself into thinking he might have actually wanted me. What a dumb twit I am because he gave me signs the WHOLE time that he just didn't want me like that. For example, he would constantly whine about being "lonely" and wanting to "find somebody". He saw his best friend with his girlfriend and how happy they are, and "it was painful" because he has "no one". He also constantly pointed out women he thought were hot, commenting on their asses, etc. It hurt me to listen to that because I had to suppress jealous reactions. I couldn't be jealous because he's not mine. He can look at other women all he wants, right? It still sucked. Big time.

I was so hurt over essentially being dropped by a so-called "friend" and so overwhelmed with school that I stopped caring about myself. I decided I hate myself and I'm not worth anything. No one else wants me or sees any value in me, so why should I?? On weekends, I started doing things I normally would never do. In my new state of not caring about myself and in an effort to move on from my guy friend, I had two one-night stands. One was actually a threesome...that particular one happened after being drunk and getting high for the first time ever.

Anyone who knows me could tell you that that kind of behavior is absolutely not like me whatsoever. I just don't do stuff like that. In my own defense, the two one-night stands were with guys I have actually known since elementary school, so they weren't strangers. And the third person in the threesome was actually my best friend. Crazy, yes. I guess this was my rebellion against the end of me and my guy friend. I was so hurt by how things turned out that I wanted to do anything to forget and move on. Of course, none of what I did helped at all, and in fact, it made things worse. On various occasions while under the influence, I texted my guy friend and came across horribly drunk and jealous of his 45 year-old, so that further pushed him away. He recently said he doesn't even see me as the same person anymore. Ouch. I dug myself a deeper hole of depression and misery. The alcohol (and weed) eventually wears off, and there you are again, realizing what you've done and realizing that all the pain is still there. Oh well.

Things are looking up, though. School is out for the summer (HELL YEAH), and my guy friend and I are talking again, recently having several 3 hour phone conversations, catching up. He's actually going to be in town next week, and he wants to see me and hang out, since we haven't seen each other in so long. I really want to because obviously I miss him and still like him. BUT, I want to put any "feelings" for him away so I can truly be JUST his friend. That's all I ever was, but I got confused by all the "couple-ish" things we did. I want to be able to listen to him talk about a girl he likes at work and be supportive, not jealous. I don't want to want him for myself because he doesn't want me.

I essentially need to just shut down any and all feelings. If I ever think a guy might like me, I better squash the thought quickly because I know it's not true. No one ever has liked me, no one ever will, so I might as well stop hoping. That's what I need to do; stop having hope. If I just face the fact that no one wants me, maybe it won't be so hard to play the friend role. I must realize my place is always as a faithful, supportive F R I E N D. Never ever anything more.

11:36 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 20, 2012


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