What do I deserve?

I am mean. I am leading a boy on. This boy knows we are just friends (he asked me to be his girlfriend years ago, and I turned him down), yet he's the type that takes things too far. He invited me over to his house to watch movies, and I agreed, only because I had nothing else to do since my little sister has been taken over by her new boyfriend and is never around anymore. All we did was watch movies all day. That's it. It was actually kind of mind numbing to sit there through all of those movies because he didn't have much to offer in the way of conversation. Of course, you're not really supposed to talk during movies, but this was very informal at his house, so talking and commenting during a movie would be allowed, or so you would think. Whereas I described the day as sort of mind numbing (though it wasn't completely that bad, I'll admit), he posted two status updates on Facebook as thus: "Today was amazing. I miss my friend already. ;)" and "I'm a thousand feet in the air". He was so elated to just have me sit next to him all day and not say much.

While I obviously don't feel the same way about him, I can't help but like the attention. I've never had a boyfriend before, so this attention is nice. This all sounds nice and sweet, and it sounds like I should just get with this guy since he so obviously likes me and has feelings for me, but we're just not a matched pair when it comes to intelligence. That sounds harsh, but it's true. I'm way smarter than he is. I actually had to hold back on correcting him on many things. I had to force myself to correct him in my head. He's also a horrible driver, and he's not too great at spelling and grammar either, as I have witnessed chatting with him online.

Am I thinking too highly of myself to think I deserve better? What if this is as good as it gets for me? I do have to say, he would be a good husband to me. I know he would be faithful. He practically loves me now (he actually told me he loved me years ago-around the time he wanted me to be his girlfriend) when we are just friends, so if I ever married him (which I won't), he would probably worship the ground I walk on. What woman wouldn't want that? I mean, that might be fun for a while, but then it'll get boring. There has to be more there, and we just don't match on that higher level. So, no. I'm not going to settle. I wasn't even really going to, but sometimes I have shadows of doubt about what I really deserve in the man department. But wait--what am I talking about? I have been alive for 20 years and never had a boyfriend, so God better have one AMAZING guy up his sleeve for me! I mean, right? If God made it so I wouldn't have any kind of relationship with a male all the way up into my twenties, then maybe he's got someone great planned for me. But...what if I'm wrong? UGH, this is a never ending cycle of thinking I don't deserve better, then to believing God has someone perfect planned for me, then to doubting whether that can possibly be true, and then all the way back to thinking I don't deserve better. Maddening!!!

12:50 a.m. - Sunday, May. 31, 2009


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