I'm Depressed.

You know, not having close friends or a boyfriend has never bothered me until now. It has never bothered me because my little sister has always been my best friend, and, like me, she's never had close friends or a boyfriend either. Since we were both friendless and boyfriendless, you would find us both at home on Friday and Saturday nights. Like I said, I didn't used to care that I was at home because I had my little sister there with me. I have more fun with my little sister than anyone. Her and I both have a funny sense of humor that others don't get. We laugh seriously hard over things that no one else would find funny, and we almost always know what the other is thinking. What I am describing sounds like twins, but we aren't. We're 2 1/2 years apart, yet remarkably, we weighed exactly the same at birth. 3 lbs, 6 oz. We're alike in many ways like that.

So, my little sister has got herself a boyfriend. She just met him by chance a week ago while she was taking a walk around a local pond. They have been almost inseparable ever since. All of a sudden, I don't have my little sister here with me anymore on Friday and Saturday nights. It's Friday night, and she is out with her boyfriend. Of course, that's where she should be. Her and her boyfriend are getting to know each other, so naturally, they are spending tons of time together. This bothers me because I am now left alone at home. Of course, our mom is here, but obviously it's not the same.

Her absence just reminds me that I am 20 years old and yet I am home alone. No friends. No boyfriend. Ever! It makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me to NEVER have real friends or a boyfriend? I am a friendly person who gets along with everyone, so what's the problem?? Why have I always been alone? I was in the same school district from kindergarten through 12th grade, so I grew up with a lot of the same kids. Why didn't I form lasting friendships like everyone else seemed to do? Everyone has their friends that they hang out with on the weekend, take road trips to the beach together with, etc. I don't have friends like that. My friends never call me. We used to hang out and go to the movies in high school, but I was always the one initiating the plans. Now that we are all in college and have jobs and different schedules, it's just too hard to get together to do anything. But they don't even try. They never call or text me, like everyone else's friends do. Can I even really call them friends, then? I don't know.

Girls have usually had a few boyfriends by the time they turn 20. I've not had a single one, not even in middle school, where it seems like every little girl has a "boyfriend". Nothing in high school, either. WHY?

It sucks being home on Fridays and Saturdays now. I am just reminded that I am the friendless and the dateless. When I had my little sister here with me, I didn't care because I at least had someone in the same boat with me, someone I had a lot more fun with than any of my "friends". Now she's a girl with a boyfriend, and he seems to take up all her time. I guess I just feel left out. I am left out. I've been left out of life's fun experiences. The thrill of having a boyfriend, the excitement of kissing. I've never even been kissed! How pathetic is that? 20 years old and never been kissed?

My mom just says that I just haven't met the right people yet, and that in time I will find good friends and a boyfriend. I really hope she's right. I don't want to be alone or left out forever! :(

11:26 p.m. - Friday, May. 29, 2009


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