Some Reflecting

Why do I always update this thing at the weirdest hours?

I think I have some kind of mental problem or something. If I think or even know a guy likes me, then I automatically start liking them back. Okay there's this boy right, and throughout the year, I've caught him staring at me from across the room in language class and spanish class, and in my U.S. history class, he randomly started sitting in the empty desk behind me instead of where he usually sits. Then one Friday in U.S. history, while we were watching some video, he plopped a note on my desk asking me to prom. I had been thinking that maybe he liked me, with the staring and whatnot, but the prom invitation seemed to confirm it for me. Before I had only thought that he maybe liked me, and I could still act like myself and be normal around him because I didn't know if he actually liked me, I just had an inkling that he did. But after he invited me to prom and seemingly confirmed that he liked me, I now get nervous before I go to a class that I have with him, and I think about him a lot. JUST BECAUSE I'm guessing he probably likes me since I've seen him staring at me and he asked me to prom. In Spanish class, like I said, he sits across the room from me (easy access for staring) and I used to just do my own thing, and then all of a sudden I would look over there and see him staring at me. But now, I'm too afraid to look over there and I'm determined not to look at him. And I can't be normal; I feel awkward and uncomfortable knowing that he's right across the room and could be looking at me and could possibly like me! absurd, huh? I hate it! If I think a guy likes me, I suddenly like them a lot more and can't stop thinking about them, and then I get too embarrassed around them and stuff and can't act normal! This sucks. At least school's almost out.

Tomorrow (well, actually later on today, seeing as I'm up so late) my mom and my little sister and I are heading out of town to see the rest of the family. I miss my grandpa! I haven't seen him in a while! It was so funny, my mom called up there today wanting to ask my aunt how my grandpa's hospital tests went (he's scheduled for surgery the day before his birthday to have a cancerous tumor removed from his bladder), but she wasn't there and my grandpa answered the phone. My grandpa is pretty much deaf, I mean he can hear you ok if you're there with him and you talk real loud and he can read your lips, but over the phone - you can forget it. He has hearing aids, but he's too stubborn to wear them. So he answers the phone, and my mom had to yell her name into the phone ten times before he even knew who was calling. It was SO funny! My mom said she was hoarse after that phone call from yelling so much! A lot has happened so far this year, so we're going to take our 2006 photo album to show the family. I went to a military ball and prom, I got accepted into the National Honor Society, and my little sister turned 15 and got her permit and is DRIVING! That is the weirdest thing EVER. Now I'm stuck in the backseat while she drives around!

Spring break is almost over. :( Starting tomorrow (well today), it's just like a regular weekend. I have done absolutely no homework whatsoever. I can't even remember what I have to do. Hope it's not too much...

My friend that I've known forever has been running with a new crowd (rednecks!) and there's this one girl she's been hanging out with a lot lately. She's almost never with when we get together to do stuff with them. She usually comes with her mom, but not anymore. I've talked about this friend before, and she is extremely self-centered and surrounds herself with people who tell her she's wonderful and beautiful and great. She's always trying to make it seem like she's better than me and has more friends. The other day we (my mom, little sister, my friend, and her mom) took a day trip to a college my friend is considering (which she decided she isn't, considering the student population is 70% girls and only 30% boys, it's too expensive, and freshmen can't have cars on campus, they either walk or ride bikes), and the whole ride home, my friend's cell phone kept ringing and ringing. No one ever calls me on my cell phone...well, except for this boy who I have absolutely no interest in. Yeah, that's the only call I get on my cell. I don't have friends from school calling me to do stuff with them when we're out of friend, on the other hand, has a ton... :( Plus she's smaller and prettier overall than me. She's hispanic, so she's got the tan skin (plus she's even darker now since she's been going to the tanning bed), the long dark hair that she styles in the in-style flat-ironed look every day, the cool clothes, and the makeup that looks good on her. I'm not saying I'm ugly, but I'm definitely fat and average-looking. Like, there's nothing special about the way I look. I'm just some girl. Ah well, I NEED to lose weight. I've GOT TO. I can't be like this for my senior year of high school. Being as short as I am, I'm surprised I can carry this much extra weight this well. But it still has to come off. :( Oh yeah back to my friend...well like I said, she's been running with this new girl now and it pretty much seems like she is her new "best friend". I know I say my friend doesn't treat me that well by trying to make me feel like she's better than me all the time, but - I still want her to hang out with me. Not someone else, me. Maybe I'm a masochist or whatever you call it. I'm also extremely jealous. I remember when I was in elementary school, I had the same best friend for a long time. We would get into fights, but we would wind up best friends again in the end. But I remember always getting mad when she talked to other people and it seemed like she liked them better than me. I always want to be the person people like the most (which I never am) and I guess back then in elementary school, I wanted to be the only person that people liked. Jealous much? Uh, yeah! I hate it! Even when I hear my friend's cell phone ring, I'm thinking, she has other friends than me! She likes them more than me and would rather be with them than me! See? I've got a problem! I'm just so selfish and jealous! Two things that I wish I weren't at all.

1:03 a.m. - April 15, 2006


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