happyone's Diaryland Diary


Not My Problem

I had every intention of writing a nice update entry, but I just spent entirely too long reading through old entries. Many of the entries made me feel so uncomfortable at the person I have been and sometimes still can be. I'm no where near my darkest side-getting black out drunk and fighting with Nick every weekend-but I still struggle with insecurities and the fact that Nick is a disgusting man who will watch porn until the day he dies. (My previous entries reminded me of just how many times, some even unwritten about, I've caught Nick looking at porn).

You know, I almost feel like a total fake! I have written plenty of entries about how much I love and adore Nick, but there are plenty more entries that clearly seem to indicate that maybe I don't love him, but in fact, hate him. Can you really have so many negative feelings towards someone and truly be in love with them? I don't know. I mean, it's not like I actively feel these feelings all of the time. I generally do distrust him...for example, when he says he has to go to the bathroom because his stomach is upset, I always become suspicious because that used to be his daily excuse so he could jerk off to porn in the bathroom. I can also guarantee with 100% certainty that if he EVER has a night away from me, he jerks off to porn. Literally, every single time. If he's got the opportunity, he will do it, no matter how tired he is or whatever. It will happen. There's never a time when he's like, 'nah, not really feeling it tonight'. No, porn will happen no matter what if he has a chance alone with his laptop or phone. I wish he were that ambitious about sex with, I don't know, ME.

And you know what? All along, I've been thinking that the porn thing and the issues it causes our relationship is all my fault because I'm clearly uncomfortable with him watching it. Wait-why are our relationship problems all MY fault just because I feel a certain way about something? Why doesn't Nick have any blame in this? If something is causing such a huge rift in your relationship...HOW ABOUT STOP DOING IT? I don't have to accept that, "All men watch porn" and that's just how they are. Not all men watch porn! In fact, I just read an article about porn that was featured on the cover of Time magazine. The article talked about how porn, since it is so readily accessible these days, is being consumed in huge quantities. The article featured interviews with men who literally would jerk off to porn all day long. They just got hooked because it was available! After jerking off to porn so much, these men could not get an erection from a real, live woman because they were so conditioned to get off with porn on a computer or phone. Their cocks literally would not respond to a flesh and blood woman but they would cum instantly to the porn on their computer screens. That is a problem, no? The article went on to say that since boys start watching porn at such a young age, it's actually changing their brains and how they're wired. I know Nick has had his brain bathed in porn since he was a young teen, like 12 or 13. The article concluded by saying some men (like the pathetic ones interviewed for the article) are taking a stand and saying 'no more' to porn. Some have even created self-help groups to help other pathetic men like them quit porn.

Needless to say, it's a huge problem. I have a right to not like the stuff. I wish it were never invented because men become addicted to it. Men are already wired to be 'cock first', and porn and it's widespread availability doesn't help that.

But-does any of this REALLY matter? Nick will only disappoint me and drive me crazy for the next, oh, 50 years if we're both lucky, and then we'll both be dead. His love of porn will no longer be a problem for me because we will no longer exist. So, should I really get so hung up about my stupid feelings being hurt? My feelings don't even matter. In the grand scheme of this universe, I am so insignificant that it's not even funny. I am just a blip, virtually undetectable. I will leave no lasting mark on the universe. The universe has been around for billions of years and I will be here probably less than 100 years. The universe really doesn't care what I think and feel about porn. If we don't first kill ourselves off, humans will only be around for 4 more billion years before the Sun dies and expands into a supernova, burning up Earth in the process. We aren't meant to be around forever.

So, this shouldn't matter. But sadly, it does, because I will be confronted with this for the next 50 years. Those 50 years might not matter in the grand scheme of things, but they matter to me because this is the only life I get. I'd rather not spend a good portion of it arguing with my soon-to-be-husband about all the naked women he likes to look at online any chance he gets.

Sigh. I don't see a solution to this. It's not fair for it to be all on me to just 'get over it'. I don't have to do that. Why can't he just stop? I foresee this being a problem for a long time.

In other news, the house buying process is moving right along. We are still set to close on July 13th, and we have a guy ready to paint the place as soon as we do. I'm looking forward to it.

11:34 p.m. - Sunday, Jun. 19, 2016


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