Another Entry About Being Fat, What Else?

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written on here! I used to be terrified of not remembering every detail of my life, but now here I am, letting years slip by without any documentation of what I was thinking and feeling at the time.

Speaking of life whizzing by, I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those people who always needed to lose weight, who always talked about losing weight, but never actually DID lose weight. Here I am at 27, and I'm the heaviest I've ever been. It's really bad and scary. The latest run-in with the scale put me at 244.2 lbs. That is 17 stone for any UK friends. OMGGGGGGG

It's getting to the point that I don't even feel like myself in this body. I have this big, soft gut that is heavy and gets in the way, and my knees crackle going up stairs. I get winded just walking short distances. I'm not out of breath and breathing like a racehorse, but I definitely notice it's harder than it should be. The last few times I've had my blood pressure checked, it's been a little high.

I'm 27! I should be at my PEAK right now, but instead, I feel like I'm at my lowest. I feel like I've already peaked and it's downhill from here. 27 is no spring chicken, and I'm sure my metabolism is dropping with every passing minute. Popping out a kid or two in the next 10 years is also going to wreak havoc on my already messed up body.

I'm sure some people reading this might be thinking, why can't you just stop stuffing your face and get out there and move your ass with some exercise? Yes, that is true. I do need to eat less and eat better. Decrease quantity, increase quality. I do also need to exercise. I would say exercise more, but that would mean I'm already exercising, and I am not. My ass sits. I don't know, it's just so discouraging because I've tried "losing weight" so many times before, and most times were failures. The time I did lose 30 lbs., it took a Herculean effort on my part by going to the gym every day and eating virtually nil. I just LOVE food too much, ok? It's a family problem, just look at us! You would think that would make me more worried and make me determined to go against the grain, but my genes run deep and I've turned out just like every fat, overweight person in my family. Trapped in a body of fat, unable to battle the bulge.

I can tell I'm getting older because I'm starting to worry, what will my kids thinks? I am not even engaged and no where near marriage or kids, but I know that is eventually coming. I don't want my kids to think, why couldn't she lose weight? Why is she fat? Why didn't she do something about it? Isn't that depressing, philosophizing about what my future children may think of me? Let's go back for a minute then, forget the kids. If I am going to be getting married one of these days (I told my boyfriend before age 30, please, so I don't feel like a dinosaur), I don't want to be a fat, uncomfortable bride trying to stuff herself into a wedding dress. I know my boyfriend LOVES my body and he's strictly BBW, but I just don't feel comfortable in this body. I know he'll still be attracted to me and love me no matter what my size. We first met up when I was 60 lbs. lighter, and he was attracted to me then. I also like to throw horrible scenarios at him ("What if I had one leg? What if my you-know-what isn't tight anymore after kids? What if I became really skinny??"), and his answer is always the same: "I'll love you and think you're beautiful no matter what." Smart guy, eh?

Anyways. I guess I'll be making another New Year's resolution to lose weight. I need to be serious this time or I'm going to get diabetes and high blood pressure, gifts that run in my family. I've already inherited their agonizing heartburn and obesity. What a gene pool, right? My boyfriend also wants to lose some weight in the new year, so maybe that'll help having him on board. We both gained 40 lbs. since he moved in two years ago, so we've both put on some relationship weight. It'll be nice to work on this together so we can both slim down and be healthier.

Well, that's all I've got for now. I'll try not to be so much of a stranger. ;)

12:45 a.m. - Thursday, Dec. 24, 2015


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