All in My Head?

I am finally at home visiting my mom. I haven't seen her for a couple of weeks. I was planning on coming down last weekend, but all of the flooding from Hurricane Joaquin made that impossible.

Nick stayed at our apartment because his dad and stepmom were coming into town for a visit. I don't know if I should have been a good girlfriend and stayed for their visit, but I feel like we just saw them recently and plus I wanted to see my mom.

I feel like Nick doesn't miss me when I'm gone...I know he does, but I just feel like he doesn't. I make a whole lot of sense, don't I? He has this guy friend, Chris, that he is seemingly obsessed with...well, I guess I shouldn't say that because it makes him sound gay. Chris is practically his only and best friend right now. When Nick moved in with me a couple of years ago, he lost touch with all of his old friends, which I didn't see as a bad thing because they were all losers who were into drugs and couldn't hold down jobs, despite being 30 years old. He met Chris through his job, and they've been best friends ever since because they both have a deep love of music, beer, and movies. Chris is also a really great guy-he's married and not into drugs. He's a genuine, fun, outgoing person, a great influence for Nick.

I just feel like sometimes Nick likes Chris more than me. THAT SOUNDS SO STUPID, RIDICULOUS, IMMATURE, AND JEALOUS! Oh well. Nick and Chris work together all day and then Nick comes home and texts him long messages all night! Meanwhile, Nick often "forgets" to even ask me how my day went. He comes home, launches into a soliloquy about his own day, and then eats his snack of cheese and crackers, all washed down with several beers. Then it's time for his after work shower followed by hours of tv, Xbox playing, and texting Chris. There's really not much conversation between us happening. Not real conversation, anyway.

Don't get me wrong, Nick definitely loves me and he shows it by being extremely affectionate all day, every day. We cuddle next to each other on the couch in the morning after breakfast, I hug and kiss him goodbye everyday and wave to him until he's out of sight, he gets a big hug and kiss when he comes home, and we cuddle and kiss all night on the couch (while he plays said Xbox). I don't know. Maybe I'm just missing the conversation piece? Before he moved in, we used to have frequent hours long conversations on the phone. He'd just want to hear my voice and talk. We don't have hours long conversations anymore. I feel like he has those conversations with Chris now. I know I shouldn't be jealous of my boyfriend's best guy friend, but I kind of am. I am glad he has such a great friend like Chris, though. I really didn't like his previous friends.

Sigh, I don't know. I'm whining about wanting more time with Nick when I think we probably have too much time together. We have nearly the same work schedule right now, so I have no time to myself at all before he's home, wanting to control the tv and play Xbox. I feel like I never have an opportunity to watch my guilty pleasure shows that I know he doesn't like, like Keeping Up with the Kardashians and such. He'll literally leave the room, and then-surprise-I find him masturbating to porn in the other room. So, I've given up watching any of my shows just to keep him from slinking off to watch porn. We also argue a lot more over stupid stuff these days. Nick's work schedule will be changing to 12 hour shifts sometime soon, and and I used to think that would suck so bad, but maybe it'll be a good thing. Time apart can do a couple good.

Speaking of porn, porn continues to be a problem in our relationship. I just can't get over it. The fact that he'll find any opportunity to watch it-including while on the toilet in the mornings-just makes me feel like I really must not be enough for him. I really must not do it for him if he's constantly trying to find any opportunity to look at other naked women. I'm fully aware that most men watch porn, I get it. It never bothered me until I had to deal with a man always trying to watch it. I know many women are fine with it, but some aren't (I know because I Googled it). Me not liking his love of porn probably means I've got insecurity issues, which I probably do. I don't know how to fix that, though. Nick has already said to my face that he'll never stop watching porn because he's a man and that's what men do. That made me feel really good. I have tried many times to stop myself from wondering what he's up to if he's locked in the bathroom for longer than 5 minutes. I've tried not to think about what he gets up to when we spend a weekend apart. I've tried to drop it and not talk about it, but it never fails-I usually bring it up again at some point or another, usually when I'm feeling crappy and low. He'll try to initiate sex, and I'll shut him down by telling him to let his porn girls take care of that. I can be extreme sometimes. I'll even say that if he loves porn and masturbating by himself so much, then that's all he's going to get and that I refuse to have sex with him. That bluff never lasts more than a few days, but that's how I truly feel sometimes! Like, wow, if getting off to porn is that great to you, you clearly don't need me at all.

I guess this all boils down to what it usually does-I really don't like myself as a person. I'm ugly on the inside and the outside. I don't have any friends. I used to, but they're all married and into their husbands/children now. No one calls me or texts me, no one wants to see me or hang out. I work with mostly young women my age or a little older at work, and I find even there that people prefer others to me.

Maybe I'm just not likable. Or maybe I'm crazy and this is all in my head.

1:13 p.m. - Saturday, Oct. 10, 2015


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