Never Go Back

Life is cruel and weird. Just as I say that N can go screw himself and that I'll never talk about him again, he calls me after 2 months of silence. I just stared at his number on the screen as my phone rang. I didn't answer, and he left a voicemail. I truly believed I would never hear from again, so I was kind of in shock. Like, I immediately felt like I couldn't breathe and like I was having heart palpitations.

Of course, I'm confused as hell. Wtf is he playing at, calling me after 2 months of silence? You might be thinking I could have called him, but I lost all my numbers when I got a new phone right after we last talked 2 months ago. I couldn't recall his number, but I sure recognized it when it showed up on my screen this afternoon.

I was too scared to listen to the voicemail for hours. Then I thought there might not even be a voicemail, just the sound of him hanging up when he heard the beep. He never usually leaves voicemails. But there was a message, just a quick, "hey, I haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to catch up and see how you're doing. Call me back anytime. Hope to hear from you soon. Bye." WHAT THE!!!!

Sigh, what a mind fuck this is. But no, I think too much time has passed and the damage has been done. What "friend" doesn't contact you for 2 months?? One that isn't really a friend at all.

Since I have moved from the sad phase to the angry phase, his call isn't really fazing me (other than the initial breathing and heart problems). Any form of communication from him used to be able to pull me out of depression and make me instantly happy, but I've gone so long without it now that I don't need it anymore. I'm still of the mind that he can go screw himself, but I am somewhat glad to know I didn't disappear from his mind completely like it had seemed.

I'll admit that I listened to his voicemail over and over, but I won't call him back. He let me go, so I had to let him go. And honestly, there was a lot of not so good when he was in my life, like the emotional turmoil that comes with being friends with benefits and acting like a couple but then listening to him talk about other girls. Not fun! So, I don't think I can go back to all of that.

No, definitely not.

11:53 p.m. - Thursday, Jul. 11, 2013


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