Ghosts of Years Past

I just read my entry from December 25th of last year, and I am sad to say that nothing has changed. I still have a boring life and am miserably lonely.

Well, I guess that's not exactly true. My life has changed drastically from last December because I moved away from home to go to graduate school, where I just finished my first semester. That doesn't sound so boring. In that entry, I also complained of not having friends that want to hang out with me, and I can say that has changed, too. Me and my best girlfriend, Brittany, actually started hanging out together, meeting up for drinks and talking for hours practically every single weekend. We've always been best friends, even if we used to only ever see each other at school. We're both homebodies, but that's changed a little now. I have also reconnected with this guy, Nick, that I had a few classes with back in middle school. We were not really friends per se back then, but you should see us now. I spent practically every weekend over the summer with him and his family, often going up to his grandparent's lake house. I have spent so much time with him and his family that they know me pretty well now. Summer ended, and I moved away to a different town to go to graduate school, and he too moved away to a different town to live with his best friend and start a new job. I thought our new friendship would be over as quickly as it started, but we're as close as ever, often talking for hours on the phone. I have even gone to visit him in his new town several times. What is depressing, though, is that I get to hear him confide in me about wanting so badly to find someone. Sadly, he's as lonely as I am, maybe even more so, but apparently, the friendship is too important for us to risk dating, according to him (yes, this issue has come up). I take that to mean he just doesn't want me in that way, which hurts because that just confirms what I already believe to be true: I am unwantable.

Anyways, if moving to a new town, starting graduate school, and having two really close friends that I spend a lot of time with doesn't sound boring or miserably lonely, then why do I still feel that way? In fact, I just came from a wonderful Christmas dinner with family and friends. Yet, on the drive home, I still felt that unshakeable sadness and loneliness, as if I had not just spent the whole day surrounded by happy, laughing people. Maybe I have clinical depression? I know for sure my symptoms have lasted for 6 months or more...I have been depressed ever since I started this diary almost 9 years ago. Wow, I've really had this thing for almost 9 years? That's nuts!!! Sorry, got sidetracked...maybe I should get some Prozac; I don't know. All I know is that what I want is a boyfriend, someone to share stuff with, someone who cares about me, someone I can show love to. Years keep ticking by on the calendar, and I am still alone. Why, I don't know because I think I would have a lot to offer in a relationship. I'm definitely not perfect, but I am deeply loyal, caring, sensitive, and a great listener. I have so much love and support to give, just no one to give it to. Sigh.

I'm not even excited at the prospect of a new year approaching. Based on how my life has gone thus far, I'm pretty sure I know what things will be like in a year's time. Nothing will change. Oh, sure, I might be a semester away from a Master's degree and hopefully I will still be spending a lot of time with friends, but I can pretty much count on still being devastatingly lonely. That's pretty much a constant in my life that won't go away.

Well, that was depressing and cathartic. Merry Christmas.

12:14 a.m. - Monday, Dec. 26, 2011


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