Nick's dad and stepmom were supposed to visit this past weekend, but they cancelled as they're being more Covid cautious right now. They both are fully vaccinated and healthy, but they just like to be extra careful, I guess. I know this will sound wrong, but I was actually glad they cancelled. I had just survived a 14 meeting work week and was not feeling up to cleaning the house for guests and hosting. I also know that any visit with them involves long hikes and walks where I can't keep up!
Instead, Nick and I went to a brewery on Saturday where we had drinks and food. Nick got their bacon-wrapped hot dog and I got their BLT, which was very delicious. Nick was kind of in a negative mood as his coworker that he was closest to accepted another job and Friday was his last day. This coworker reminded Nick of his younger brother, L, who hasn't spoken to Nick in almost a year and a half after a very silly and insignificant brotherly spat. So, this guy was sort of filling that younger brother void, I think, but now he is gone and Nick is not close to any of his other coworkers. I just wish something would work out for Nick for once. His family often betrays him and he can't seem to keep friends. He is a good person, so I don't understand why this keeps happening to him.
I got my Covid booster shot on Friday afternoon and by Sunday, I was feeling tired and not really up for much, so we just stuck around the house and relaxed. I was texting back and forth with my mom and Amber on our group thread and something my mom said hurt my feelings. Of course, a lot of our talks these days are about babies and Amber's pregnancy (she's now about 13 weeks). My mom texted that she still hasn't "given up" on Nick and me having a baby and that no time is the right time, so we might as well do it now. Like, seriously? I've told her numerous times that kids aren't for us and she still won't let it go. She continued that Nick "doesn't know what he wants" and would be fine once the baby was actually here. She compared it to Nick being adamantly against adopting our cat, Ollie, whom he now loves and adores. I pointed out that Amber is the one who is in an ideal situation to have a baby because she and her husband have plenty of money, family nearby for free babysitting, and oh yeah, her husband actually wants to be a father. I have none of those things. Nick even stated that very day that "kids aren't for me".
She went on to say that people who don't have kids turn out "weird" because it is "unnatural" not to have a family and that I will deeply regret it one day. I replied that I guess I'm just going to be weird then. That exchange just bothered me and made me want to withdraw a little from talking to her since I'm not turning out the way she wants. I guess Angel (my older sister) and I are just weird failures to her for not having kids. Amber is her only daughter who is doing the right thing, in her mind.
While I was bothered by what my mom said, I am also still grappling with accepting the fact that no, I truly will not have children or a family of my own. While it's not something I would want right at this very moment, I could see myself wanting it one day. I often think about Nick and I being old, with no children or grandchildren, just the two of us still. It sounds kind of lonely. I saw a picture of Cindy's oldest daughter recently and in the pic were her and her husband, their 3 kids, and the grandparents. They were all smiling, having just celebrated one of the kid's birthdays. I looked at it and thought how there will never be a pic of me like that. Oh well, Amber is the one who gets to experience all of this. I am so close to Amber that I'm sure I will be very close to her kids as well, almost as if they were my own. That will have to be good enough.
I guess what bothers me most is that this major life decision is kind of being decided for me because Nick simply does not want kids, so I have no choice. If I wanted a family, I guess I picked the wrong person to marry. Of course, I didn't know he was adamantly against kids when we got married, so...it just does feel a little unfair. I'm not sure why he does not want them...he mostly mentions the stresses of the baby stage which we all know is tough, but it doesn't last forever. His own mother had him at 19 and she's not still changing his diapers because time went by and now he's a grown man. Sigh.
On the other hand, I often think it's probably a good idea that Nick and I don't have kids. Schizophrenia lurks in his background on both sides of his family, the most direct person being his paternal grandmother. Nick and his dad were lucky enough not to inherit it, but it would be my luck to want a baby so badly, and then it turns out to have a major mental illness. I also struggle with social anxiety myself, though it does not seem to be as bad these days. Nick has anger issues and can be quite rigid and inflexible, so maybe being a dad is not meant for him. Maybe it's mature of him to recognize he's not cut out for it.
I try not to think about all this baby stuff but it's tough with babies being the constant topic with my mom and Amber. I'm about to turn 33, so in just a few years I'll be too old and infertile to have a baby anyway, so I just have to wait it out.
In the meantime, I am focusing on becoming debt-free. If all goes to plan, I will be 100% debt-free by 2029. My car will be paid off in 2023 (so will Nick's), my student loans will be forgiven in 2024, and the house will be paid off in 2029. So, I will enter my 40s with no debt and money to spend on whatever I want! That is definitely exciting. Hopefully, Covid will be a distant memory by then and I can do some more traveling!
10:20 a.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 26, 2021
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