happyone's Diaryland Diary


Hormones Got Me F***ed Up

Fair warning, I'm on my period so I'm not feeling very positive right now.

We had Amber's 30th birthday over the weekend and it went great. It was actually sort of a joint birthday party because we also celebrated Nick's birthday, which is coming up soon. We had a fun time celebrating the baby of our family finally entering the 30s.

We took a ton of pics all weekend as we always do, and I hate how I look in all of them. I thought I might look cute because I was wearing a dress for the first time ever, but instead, I looked big, frumpy, and like I'm in my 40s (nothing wrong with being in your 40s - - I just don't want to look it at age 32). My face is just so puffy and ugly from all this weight I've gained.

I just feel stuck in a rut because I hate the way I look but, I don't have any motivation to make real changes that will result in any kind of meaningful difference. I wish I could just force myself to eat less, but that's so hard! I also wish I could stop drinking because it adds so many extra empty calories, but I just enjoy it too much.

Maybe I should just get weight loss surgery. I really don't see myself being successful on my own. Yeah, I've lost 10-15 lbs on my own in the past, but that's not enough. I need to lose at least 100 lbs. I would be happy to lose 55 lbs and be under 200. Sigh, I don't know.

I don't know if it's my period or what, but I'm also finding Nick just very annoying lately. I don't like his sense of humor or find it funny. I can't stand how uptight and rigid he can be. He often misunderstands me. He doesn't listen at all when I talk, but I'm supposed to hang on to his every word or he'll get offended. He's also not a good problem solver and quick to anger. This week, he did come down with a fever and some other symptoms (fatigue, loss of appetite), so he went to get a Covid test, just to be sure. I could have let him figure out where to get tested on his own, but I am the planner and organizer. I told him exactly where to go and the location of the testing site was also a place we are very familiar with, so this should have been easy, right? No. He calls me in an angry mood, saying he can't find the testing site and that he got out of his car and is walking around. I tell him again where the testing site is. Oh, now he sees it. I remind him it's a drive-up location, so he will have to get back in his car. He angrily says there are cones blocking the road. I tell him what road to use (it was right in front of him). He eventually got his test and is negative. But still, why can't he ever figure anything out for himself without getting all bent out of shape? Even simple little things like going to a familiar location become a problem for him. I often wish he were more...resourceful, "with it", mature, whatever you want to call it. It's sometimes hard to respect him as a man when he can't handle such small things without having a meltdown. I sometimes envy other women who have husbands who can "take charge" and get things done. Husbands who know what to do when something goes wrong and can handle it. That is not Nick.

I don't know, I just find myself not having much fun with him sometimes. A lot of it probably has to do with the fact that I never get time to myself away from him. He's always there, always talking. I don't know, we also just aren't as connected anymore either. We rarely, if ever, have sex anymore (not that I want to). I bet by now it's been 2 months or more since we've done it...I can't even remember the last time. Is that a problem if you don't want to have sex with your spouse? He initiated recently and I said no because I truly didn't want to. I never want to. When we have done it, I couldn't wait for it to be over...not because it was bad, but...it's almost like I can't see him in a sexual way anymore. He's always acting so silly and weird most of the time (or pissing me off), so I really don't have that sexual attraction to him anymore. I really feel I could live the rest of my life without sex and be fine. I just don't have that interest anymore. So, I don't know if this is a "me" problem or what it is. I have 0 sex drive and 0 interest in having it. Maybe this is what happens when you get older? Or maybe it's the birth control pills? I really don't know.

I'm just feeling generally kind of "blah" about everything right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy most of the time with my life. I have a wonderful family I enjoy spending time with and I have a decent job. I just feel like everything is kind of the same, day in and day out. This is what my life will be like for...well, forever. We won't be having kids, so there will be no big life changes there. We won't be moving to a bigger, nicer house. We will just slowly get older and older until we die. Maybe in another life, with another person, I would have had kids and a family of my own. That wasn't meant for me this time around.

I'm just wondering what there is to look forward to. I've got the husband, the house, the job. That's where it stops for me. I won't have kids or my own family and I probably won't ever lose weight. This is as good as it gets.

This is a dreadful entry and I realize that. I guarantee it's my period talking. I'm also tired of work and very ready for spring break (the week after next). It'll be nice to have the house to myself FOR ONCE while Nick goes away to work. Amber and I might take a quick trip up to the mountains, but we're not sure yet.

I promise I'll feel better next week. I just had to get this stuff out. Now I'm going to sneak home a little early and enjoy a few precious hours to myself before Nick gets home. PS - I feel really bad for being so down and negative about Nick. I should really try and get it together and have a fun weekend with him as his birthday is on Monday. Everybody deserves to feel special and loved on their birthday.

12:26 p.m. - Friday, Mar. 26, 2021


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