happyone's Diaryland Diary


Never Alone

It's funny, I read the diaries of other women on here, and many of them are living alone and struggling with loneliness and wanting to be with somebody. That used to be me. I have been rereading through this journal from around the time Nick and I were "friends with benefits" and I was terribly lonely at the time and devastated that for 2 years, he consistently chose other women over me because we were "too good of friends" to date. Then, the lightbulb went off in his head and he decided that we could date after all. Now, we're nearly 4 years married. When I look back at the pure hell he put me through, though, I often wonder...was it a good idea to go forward with a relationship with him and ultimately marry him? I truly was mentally not in a good place because of him. Of course, I am not blaming everything solely on him. I did ultimately choose to have sex with him knowing he didn't want a relationship with me. That's on me. I honestly wish I hadn't. If I hadn't, maybe I would have never developed feelings for him and we never would have ended up together. Or maybe we would have eventually ended up together, but I would have avoided the hellish "friends with benefits" period of being jealous of women he dated and feeling unloveable/unwantable/etc. Who knows, right? That's not how it went.

Anyway, my point was, I used to be so crushingly lonely like the other women I read about. Now that I am married and have been for a few years now, I want nothing more, truly *nothing more*, than to have some time to myself. I do love Nick, but they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I never get any absence...EVER! We have lived in our house for 4.5 years and not ONCE have I had a weekend alone in it!!!! And these last 9 months that he's been unemployed, forget having a weekend alone, I haven't even had a moment or an AFTERNOON alone because he's always at home!!! Last Friday, I was so excited because he had plans with a friend to hang out for a while and he wasn't there when I got home FOR ONCE. I was like, this is it, the alone time I've always wanted! I was home alone for approximately 19 minutes before he came home. WTF NO.

It may sound like I hate my husband and never want him around and that's not true. Anyone can become aggravating if you're with them 24/7 and literally, Nick and I are together literally all the time. Of course, I do go to work during the day and spend a good portion of that time alone in my office, but that's not the alone time I'm talking about. I want to be alone, in my house, in my pajamas, watching my dumb reality shows, eating a snack, and drinking some wine in PEACE. Nick does let me watch my shows, but I literally have to pause my show several times because he interrupts and is always talking to me, so then I have to rewind. He will even talk to me from other rooms in the house! He's not even in the SAME room and will KEEP talking! It gets to be too much! So even if he's sitting there being quiet, his presence is not relaxing to me. For true peace and relaxation, I would like for him to not be there. The ideal situation would have been for his new job to have later hours than mine, but that didn't work out either. I'm just reaching a point where I become irritable very quickly with him and we keep getting into arguments, like bad ones.

We just had one such argument last night. I do SO much for our household - the reason we even have a house is because of me. I am the name on the loan. Nick's name couldn't be included on the loan at the time because he didn't have any credit (he didn't "believe" in credit cards), so I had to secure the loan on my own. I control all of our finances. Almost all of our bills are in my name and 100% of them come out of my bank account. He definitely pays his half, but it's my account everything comes out of (we have separate bank accounts - I don't believe in joint accounts). "His" car is actually MY car because I am the primary name on the loan. I guess he should have cared about building credit a little more and then his name could have been on things too. In his defense, he has since built fantastic credit and he does have a couple of things that are in his name only. He opened up a furniture store credit card in his name when we bought our King-sized bed and the financing for our new HVAC is all in his name. So, he has improved there. But - I still take care of all bills and I even file his taxes!

My whole point is I do a lot, right? Well, last night I asked him if he would go to a local deli to get me a bagel and cream cheese for the upcoming weekend. He complained and asked why I couldn't get it from the store we were already going to for our grocery shopping? Um. He literally is NOT working right now (new job starts next week) and has ALL DAY and ALL WEEK to go to this silly deli place that's only 15 minutes away from the house! Meanwhile, I have to go by FedEx today to drop off our defective Nest Thermostat after working all day! And OH YEAH, I'm the one who figured out our Nest was defective and arranged with Google to get a free replacement! And he can't even get me a bagel?? Things like that just rub me the wrong way about him, like he always resists if I ask him to do something (especially if he has to do it on his own and not with me).

It's arguments like that that make me think - yeah, I'm pretty sure having kids with you would be a BAD idea. Imagine me asking him to go to the store for something while I'm all fucked up from childbirth and have a newborn attached to me and he asks if we could go *together*. I bet he would! Aggravating ass. Plus, him saying he doesn't want kids is a huge turn-off. Fine, I don't want them with you either, fuck you!

Sigh. So, I guess the moral of the story, is be careful what you wish for. I used to want nothing more than to have someone to be with, and now all I want is time alone. Funny.

12:49 p.m. - Monday, Jan. 25, 2021


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