I'm a Bad Person

Things are not going well between me and Nick at all. This may be the worst it's ever been and I don't know if we can come back from it.

The downhill slide started over the weekend on Saturday. We had a great day Saturday - we went out to a local brewery for a few drinks outside and then picked up pizza on the way home. The pizza was great and we started a good movie (Uncle Frank on Amazon Prime). I don't even remember what sparked the argument, but there's always an argument, a disagreement, or an annoyance that escalates. I remember throwing a piece of pizza at him. I told him to get out of the house and when he left, I locked the screen door (which doesn't have a key to it) so he wouldn't be able to get back in. He left in his car and I later learned it was to go by cigars (he has quit smoking cigarettes but he still enjoys smoking something when stressed, I guess). When he came back, he knocked and rang the doorbell, but I wouldn't let him in until I finished the movie (30 mins or maybe a little more). I went to bed once he came back in. He stayed up later than me but surprisingly still came into our bed that night. When we have a fight, he usually sleeps in the guest room. I was prepared for awkwardness the next morning, but he made us breakfast, as usual. We did our grocery shopping and then picked up lunch from a local food truck. I had a few proseccos mixed with wine when we got home and I ended up blacking out by accident. We had dinner (leftover pizza from the day before), but I don't remember eating it at all. That sucks! I love eating, so not remembering it as if it didn't happen is a bummer. I ended up getting sick and throwing up. I showered and went to bed. Surprisingly, no fight at all while drunk. That's usually when they happen, but the worst was yet to come.

Yesterday was the day of Ollie's neutering. Nick brought him home around 4:00 and he was distraught to see our little kitty still out of it from the anesthesia. Nick has a big heart for animals and he's especially attached to Ollie, so it was hard for him to see Ollie like that (even though he was okay). Nick even teared up and cried! He just wants Ollie to well and back to normal, which I do too. I thought it was so sweet to see how much he loves and cares for this cat. He even laid on the floor with him for ages, just petting him and looking at him while Ollie purred away.

The argument started over something small, as usual. I had read online that cats need to be kept calm and quiet after their surgery, and I felt like Nick was being too loud, banging stuff around in the house. You're also supposed to limit the cat from jumping up and down from furniture (if possible), and Nick let Ollie jump up AND down from a chair even though I warned him he was about to jump. Nick was within arm's reach of Ollie and just (to me) cluelessly sat there as Ollie did what he's not supposed to be doing after surgery. He said he didn't think Ollie would actually jump, but I pointed out that I warned him he was about to jump. I got annoyed because he literally never listens and can be so slow to respond.

That dumb incident escalated to the point of him aggressively in my face shouting at me. I told him to get out of my face, which he didn't, so I'm ashamed to say that I hit him with force in the face with my cell phone. He got more aggressive and kept coming towards me in my face, so I hit him several more times as hard as I could with my phone right on his forehead. He kept coming, so I tried pushing his face and neck away from me and scratched his neck in the process. It was ugly. He had a knot come up on his forehead above his eyebrow along with red marks. One of the scratches was bleeding. He left the house again to go buy more cigars, I guess. When he came back, I apologized. I truly was and am ashamed that I inflicted that much physical damage on him. Why did he let me keep hitting him? Why wouldn't he just leave me alone? If he had just walked away, this wouldn't have happened. I'm not blaming him for my actions but had he made a different choice also, this might not have gone so far.

I made dinner for us then hopped in the shower after. While I was in the shower, Nick burst into the bathroom yelling, holding up my unlocked phone with text messages from another guy pulled up. He was screaming at me, accusing me of cheating. The messages were from Dane, a guy friend I've mentioned before. We dated 7 years ago and are now just friends who talk about physics, space, archaeology, politics. And by "talk", I mean send a few texts back and forth. What Nick was most upset about is Dane had asked me what he should do if he wanted to send a lady friend nude pics. I told him to ask the lady friend first. He then asked me if I would like nude pics (I was the lady friend he was referring to). I was like "oh, you meant me? Haha" and the conversation stopped there. We went on to later text about dinosaurs and the diversity of birds.

Nick believes I should not speak to Dane ever again because of the one question about nudes. Okay, Dane is a guy and he asked about nudes. I did not send any nudes and we continued talking about boring topics, so who cares? Nothing happened. I was literally IN the shower as he was screaming at me, by the way. He grabbed our shower caddy and flung it at me, so shampoo bottles and stuff were flying. He even took one of our liquid hand soaps, unscrewed it, and flung soap at me, getting it into my eyes. He also spit into my face several times, called me various names (bitch, cunt, etc.). He wants to find Dane and murder him and his whole family. Bit extreme.

I finally got out of the shower and put some clothes on. We mopped up all the water that had gotten on the floor from the shower curtain being open with the water running. He ranted and ranted, but I stayed quiet. He eventually left our bedroom so I could go to bed. He slept in the guest room last night.

The weird thing is...I don't really have any sad feelings about all of this. Anyone else would probably be worried about their marriage and what's going to happen, but I don't feel anything. I'm so sick of Nick and have been for a long time. I literally can never get AWAY from him. He's always there, never a moment's peace.

I think the problem is me. I'm not a good person and I realize that. I know Nick deserves much better than me. I've put him through a lot, these past 9 years. I don't know, I became a different person once he entered my life, and not different in a good way. I'm not saying that to say any of this is his fault, not at all. I started drinking for the first time around him and his family. Alcohol plus the complication of us starting friends with benefits situation while he still pined for a "true love" had me not in a good place for a long time.

Then we dated and got married. He's a good man and works hard (when he has a job - currently still unemployed going on NINE months), but he has a lot of irritating qualities that have bothered me over the years. He has road rage, he claims he is a "people person" yet is incredibly intolerant any time we go out in public, he is rigid and inflexible. He also doesn't want a family, which I do, or at least thought I did. I just don't think we're on the same page anymore. We have zero passion for each other and rarely have sex. I never want to because he's always annoying me or being disgusting by burping and farting constantly. Hardly a turn on. He's definitely been very helpful around the house while he's been out of work. Other than that, I just find myself annoyed or unhappy when I'm with him. And my biggest issue lately is that I never get any time WITHOUT him, other than being at my job. I would love to just have time to myself in my own house, but I haven't gotten that in NINE months and that's something I deeply value and need. I guess I'll have a lot of alone time coming up soon enough.

He tried texting me this morning after I left for work, again saying I'm classless if I continue to talk to a man who asked for nudes. I told him to believe whatever he wants and that I don't want to talk anymore and that to get a divorce, we will both need lawyers. I then blocked him.

This isn't good. I don't feel good about myself at all. I have become a monster and I have ruined everything.

Every year, there's always some big horrible event that makes me so ashamed of myself. For 2019, it was the drunk driving incident. For 2020, it was me physically assaulting my own husband and most likely bringing about the end of our marriage. I just want to be happy and have a good year where I don't cause all of these bad things to happen, but that doesn't seem to be possible because I am a bad person and bad people do bad things.

12:20 p.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 15, 2020


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