Life Is Happening Now (Not When That Bill is Paid Off)

Work has resumed for me and honestly, it hasn't been that bad. Besides a few interactions with coworkers, I am mostly alone in an office all day, which wouldn't be the case if I were a teacher, which I'm so glad I'm not! They truly have the hardest job in the universe as it is, and it's only been made that much harder by this pandemic. They should be paid the millions, not the NFL football players. I guess it shows what we really value in this country, right?

I don't really have anything new to report. Still fat. Husband still unemployed, though he does have a promising lead at the moment. I'm sure it will fall through or even if he is hired, he will get fired because he can't learn fast enough or perform to their standards, like his last 2 jobs. I do wish he were more successful at times. Everyone else I know has very successful husbands who make a lot of money. Mine can't even find or keep a job. I sound very negative and unsupportive. I know it's been very tough on his self-esteem not being able to find a job because he definitely isn't lazy and likes to work, but it's been tough on me too because I'm the spouse. If this goes on much longer, I'll be stretched thin supporting the entire household, which luckily I haven't had to do yet. More and more, I'm so glad we don't have kids.

Speaking of kids, my mom pressures me almost every time I see her about having a baby. I finally had to tell her that I am NOT having a baby and to stop asking about it. I think she knew I meant it because she doesn't mention me having kids anymore. The focus is now on my younger sister, Amber, who does want kids and is planning to get pregnant next year.

I used to think I wanted kids, but now I really think I don't. I'm in no physical shape to even be pregnant without health risks and Nick doesn't want them either. I very much value getting alone time to watch mindless TV (which I already don't get because Nick is ALWAYS home), so I can't imagine truly never having time to myself. My sister Amber has this intense desire for kids and talks about her future kids all the time (what they'll look like, names, etc.) and I just don't feel that way. I understand that kids can be a great blessing and blah blah but I'm just not feeling it and I feel like I would be by now (at almost 32) if that's something I truly wanted. My mom looks at me with the gravest face and says I'll regret not having kids for the rest of my life. Sure. My older sister Angel doesn't have kids either and she's mentioned before that she doesn't want them. I guess all of my mom's hopes and dreams for grandkids rest on Amber, then!

You know, I look back through my entries and realize I'm always waiting for the next event or phase in life. Right now, I'm highly focused on the fact that our cars will be paid off in 2023 and my student loans (I pray to God) will be forgiven in 2024. I'm always looking ahead as if life will start once these things happen, but life is happening right now. This is it.

2:24 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 09, 2020


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