happyone's Diaryland Diary


The Usual Anxiety

I am getting very anxious about returning to work next week...I woke up around 5 am this morning and tossed and turned. I am worried about safety and being back around large groups of people, but I'm also stupidly worried about being around my colleagues since I've gained 10 lbs since schools shut down in March. 10 lbs isn't that much, but usually that's enough for people to notice. I also just feel physically uncomfortable. This is the heaviest I've ever been and I've had to go up a size (sometimes 2 depending on the brand) in pants. I just feel generally uncomfortable in clothes because everything feels tight. I hate it!

I guess the one good thing is that after the general back to school staff meetings, I really won't be around others that much...we are all being very careful about the coronavirus, so we will be keeping our distance as much as possible. It might be the case that I end up sitting alone in my office all day and only see people via Zoom on the computer. At least on Zoom they can't see my body! Just my round face lol.

I'm just really disappointed in myself that I just keep gaining and gaining. I know this pandemic has been a tough situation for everyone and I shouldn't be too hard on myself, but I had a weight problem before the pandemic hit and now it's even worse. I'm just not sure what to do to actually make a change and lose real weight. I depressingly realized recently that I've gained 80 lbs since Nick and I started hanging out in 2011. That's so bad!! Someone took a picture of me just the other day and I realized how big I look. I just look unwell! I only ever take headshots of myself, so I hadn't seen a full body picture of myself in a while.

Sigh. I know this is all I ever talk about, but it's what's on my mind! I at least have a trip home to look forward to. I have more fun when I'm with my family because there is more to do than just sit in this house all week. We go swimming, get ice cream, and have a good time. At my own house, all Nick and I ever do is watch tv. All day long. It's so boring and I get irritable and cranky. I guess I won't be bored for much longer because work starts next week...

10:28 a.m. - Monday, Aug. 24, 2020


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