happyone's Diaryland Diary



Here we are on the eve of a New Year. I’m hoping this New Year’s is better than last year’s...I’ve tried writing about it in here before, but I deleted it because I was so ashamed and didn’t want to remember what happened.

Last New Year’s, I made a mistake that could have truly ruined my life, but somehow I got lucky. I drank too much that night and was playing a song for my cousin in my mom’s car in the driveway because her car has a good sound system. My sister came outside to say I was playing the music pretty loud and that I should turn it down since it was very late. Everyone went to go back inside, but what did I do? I thought, oh I’ll just take a drive and listen to music since it’s too loud sitting in the driveway, so off I went. I was beyond drunk and should not have been behind the wheel. I made a wide loop around town and at one point, I saw a cop’s red and blue flashing lights in my rear view. In my drunk brain, I didn’t think he could possibly be after me and was about to pull over to get out of his way since I assumed he was on his way somewhere else. But no, he got right behind me. Then, for some unknown reason, he turned around and left. Had I been pulled over, I would have 100% been arrested for a DUI. I probably would have lost my job as a result. My whole life would have been ruined because of a stupid choice I made. Without the cop behind me, I kept going, making a loop around town. By this time, my cousin and sister had realized I had taken the car and were in their own car, trying to find me to get me to stop. They did end up behind me and kept calling me, but I wouldn’t listen. By a miracle, I got back to my mom’s without any incident. I went upstairs and went to bed.

Once my sister and cousin knew I was back home, they drove back to my sister’s house to spend the night. On their way, they took part of the route I had driven and saw a police car and an ambulance with a man in the back who looked like he had hurt his leg. They raced back to my mom’s, saying what if I had hit the guy in the ambulance on my drunken drive? He was there, hurt, on the path I had just taken. My cousin then examined my mom’s car and claimed there was damage, as if I had hit something. My mom, very upset, woke me up, asking if I had hit anyone when driving. I said absolutely not, even though there were parts of the drive I didn’t remember. But surely I would remember something like that? My cousin further concocted that the cop behind me was probably looking for someone involved in a hit and run. That couldn’t have been the case because the road they saw the hurt man is where I had the cop behind me. I couldn’t have hit the man and then instantly had a cop behind me. The timing didn’t add up. Even so, I was wracked with anxiety, guilt, and shame the rest of the night. I was worried that maybe I had hit someone but was too drunk to remember. I was terrified to death that at any moment, cops would show up to my mom’s door. I had been driving her car and the cop that got behind me surely had caught her license plate on his dash cam. As soon as it was light outside, I went out to look at my mom’s car myself. I was terrified to look, but I had to. I held my breath as I examined the car, but there was nothing there. No dents or scrapes, as my cousin had claimed. Why would he say that if there wasn’t anything there??

I won’t drag this out any longer, but needless to say, I must not have hit anyone because cops never came. Even though I had a cop right behind me, I wasn’t pulled over. That is truly a miracle and I still don’t know why he turned around. But because he did, my life was spared. I should have been pulled over though because I was a danger to myself and others. People kill others or themselves by driving drunk. I just got lucky that nothing bad happened when it so easily could have. I cried and apologized to my mom, and she could tell I was truly remorseful. That’s truly the worst I have ever felt.

Anyways, I say all of that to say that this New Year’s won’t be like that. I’m at my house instead of my mom’s and my mom and sister are coming up to visit. We are going to have a much better time this year.

That being said, I do have a problem with drinking too much at times, usually at home with Nick. I have caused needless fights with him as a result. Just recently, I’m ashamed to say that I threw a candle at him and it bounced off and hit our flat screen tv, cracking the screen and ruining it. Luckily, I didn’t hurt Nick. I could have because the candle was heavy glass. So I had to spend the bonus money I got from work this year to buy a new tv. Of course Nick didn’t split the cost with me because it was my fault we needed a new one. I can’t keep getting to that point where I’m blacked out and belligerent. I don’t know why I get that way with him. It’s unacceptable. I’m supposed to love him and here I am, saying hateful things and trying to hurt him by throwing things at him?? I used to pine for him and want him to be mine so badly, but now that he is, I treat him so poorly.

I’m definitely disappointed in myself and the choices I have made. This past year, I’ve continued to eat and drink to excess. I’m not the person I want to be in every way - physically, emotionally, behaviorally, etc. I’ve got to do better. My drunken behavior could have ruined my life and honestly, it could have ruined my relationship many times over. I’m just lucky that Nick is so forgiving and loves me as much as he does to keep trying to make it work. But I can’t keep doing those things because he might say he’s had enough one day.

I want the life where we are completely happy, stable (me), and want a family. Right now, talk of kids is uncomfortable because he will say that we fight too much. We fight because of me and what I become when I drink. When I’m sober, we have no issues like that. I’m also too overweight to be pregnant. I’m sure I could get pregnant, but my weight could cause complications for both me and the baby. I can’t seem to get motivated enough to lose weight. You would think that having a baby would be motivating, but I always sabotage myself with binge eating and drinking. Drinking is very fattening.

I will do better this new year. I have to. Here’s to 2020!

11:36 a.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2019


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