happyone's Diaryland Diary



Lately, I’ve been having more and more anxiety at work. WHY did I pick a job where I constantly have to do what I hate most, which is speak up in front of groups of people?! If I didn’t have to do these meetings where I speak up in front of people, I truly wouldn’t have any issues with anxiety! What’s weird is that I have been doing okay all year with little to no anxiety with these meetings, but lately…the anxiety has been bad. It’s gotten to the point where my stomach gets upset before the meetings and I have to rush to the bathroom. I also have such a feeling of doom that I literally want to run out of the room and not come back. I’m having all the physical symptoms of anxiety – heart rate is up, breathing is more rapid, hands feel shaky, etc. I’ve tried to do deep breathing and all of that nonsense, but it doesn’t work enough.
So, at the end of March, I went to the doctor to get more anxiety medication because I had finally run out of prescription I had had for a long time (I only take as needed, before these stupid meetings). The doctor would not prescribe me the medication I’ve been taking for years because of the drug epidemic currently going on around the country. She told me that if I feel I need that specific medication, then I’d have to go to a psychiatrist. That’s ridiculous! I’ve never had to go to a psychiatrist to get this medication! Instead, she prescribed me an antihistamine that’s used for anxiety (what the heck) and a betablocker (helps with the heart rate and stuff). I’ve used both several times already and it does help. I just wish I didn’t have anxiety at all. I know some people who have absolutely no problem speaking up and making themselves heard in groups. I can’t imagine!
So this doctor also put me on a blood pressure medication because my blood pressure has had several high readings. I’m disappointed in myself because my bad habits are finally coming home to roost. I’ve been overweight for a long time but really haven’t had any health problems because of it. Now that I’m getting older, my weight is finally starting to take its toll. I’ve always wanted to lose weight and I’ve made many pathetic attempts at it, but I’m never successful because I do things to sabotage my efforts. For example, I’ll make many healthy changes but then binge on chips and salsa or popcorn in the afternoon. It’s that afternoon snacking after work that really is a problem. I also just eat too much in general.
I really should be doing better. I am going to be 30 this year. Time keeps ticking away and I’m still fat and unhealthy. All of these other people have lost weight – why can’t I seem to do it? My husband lost about 70 lbs. several years ago just by shrinking his portions, cutting out chips and soda, and by taking a walk every single day. He’s gained some of it back, but he still weighs less than me by about 10 lbs.! My best friend also started this Keto diet in January and has lost 65 lbs.! I would LOVE to lose 65 lbs.! Heck, I’d be good with TEN at this point. I thought about doing the Keto diet but it would be soooo hard for me not to eat carbs at all. I just don’t think a diet like that would be very sustainable for me. My bff is very stubborn, so I’m not surprised she’s been able to stick with it. I don’t seem to have as much willpower.
I feel like I have zero mental and physical energy these days. The routine of everyday life is pretty boring. Every day I wake up at 5:45, have breakfast, watch Top Chef, and get in the shower at 6:40. I leave the house by 8:00-8:15 and then I’m at work, sitting at a desk and a computer, all day long. I get virtually no physical activity all day long. This sedentary job definitely doesn’t help me, health wise. I get home by 4:00 and binge eat something until my husband gets home at 4:30. We then eat cheese and crackers (even though I’ve already binged on something and don’t need to eat ANYTHING) and watch Top Chef until it’s time to make dinner around 6:30. We make dinner and then sit back down on the couch to eat it while watching Top Chef. We watch Top Chef until around 8 or so, and then my husband switches to playing his video game. I usually fall asleep on the couch and he wakes me up at 10:00 to go to bed. I sleepily wash my face and brush my teeth and get in the bed. Everything repeats the next day.
It’s pretty boring, if you ask me. I feel like I’m in a rut and that we, me and my husband as a couple, are in a rut. We rarely have sex these days and I know that’s my fault because I never EVER feel like doing it. I never ever initiate and when he does, I never want to. I do it for him, but I really don’t want to and it feels like a chore. I definitely didn’t used to feel that way…I wonder if my birth control has taken away my libido. I guess it doesn’t matter because it’s not like I can go off of it to find out. Even though we talk about kids a lot, I know my husband truly isn’t ready and I’m probably not either. I don’t want to wait too long, though…I am going to be 30 this year.
Sigh, I don’t know. I just feel pretty bored with everything in general right now.

10:05 a.m. - Thursday, May. 10, 2018


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