happyone's Diaryland Diary


Obligatory New Years Post

Happy New Year! It's now 2017. This will be a big year for me because I'll be getting married in April! Nick and I will be going on a cruise to the Bahamas for our honeymoon. I can't wait! I've always wanted to go to tropical islands!

This year, Nick's grandparents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I asked his grandmother what's the secret to staying married for so long, and she said it's basically just common sense things, such as: never ever say things out of anger because it's always going to be something hurtful that you can't take back, communicate (don't let things fester until you blow up), have mutual respect for one another, have mutual interests as well as your own interests, and give each other personal space when needed.

Those are things I can definitely work on in my relationship with Nick. Most of the time, we are wonderful and get along great. However, there are times where I can lose my temper with Nick and say some pretty low things to him. I've definitely said many things that I deeply and truly regret ever saying to him. Many things were said under the influence of alcohol, but not all. When we're with people we're 100% comfortable with, it can be harder to control our emotions than if we were around others. For example, if Nick does something upsetting at home, I often confront him about it. However, he could do the same thing when we're visiting family and I would keep my mouth shut because I don't want to make a scene in front of everyone. I really need to work on how I treat him when it's just the two of us. Like I said, 99% of the time, we're golden - but there are times where I can just be short tempered, easily annoyed, and downright hateful. Nick, too, can be easy to anger over nothing. Nick is hardly angry at me - he gets angry at small, insignificant things that aren't that big of a deal (to me). Ice will come out of the ice maker too fast and spill all over the floor and that can send him cussing. That usually sets me off because his anger (over something stupid) makes me angry that he can't handle small problems. If he can't handle ice spilling, how is he going to handle us having a baby? Ya know?

So, yeah, I definitely want to work on being a better partner for Nick, especially now that I will soon be his wife. I want us to stay married until one of us croaks, so I really need to be careful with what I say, especially when angry. I can't just fly off the handle and say really mean things to be as hurtful as possible. You can't take those things back and they can often leave a permanent impression. I remember being angry and frustrated with Nick one time as I drank way too much wine. The drinking made it even harder for me to control my emotions, and I said something nasty about my engagement ring being "cheap" and that he couldn't afford a nicer, more expensive ring. I even mentioned that many of the women I work with have big, extravagant rings. I couldn't be more sorry that I said such a thing. I absolutely love my ring and wouldn't trade it for any other ring. He lovingly picked this ring to give to me as a sign that he wants me and only me for the rest of his life. That's so powerful and significant and what I said is just so petty and hateful. I don't care about my colleagues' rings!! Are they bigger and more expensive? Absolutely, but does that matter? Not one bit!! A bigger diamond means nothing in terms of your relationship - it doesn't ensure that you'll stay together longer, be happier, etc. And my ring was not cheap! Did it cost thousands? No, but to Nick, he spent a sizable chunk of his own money 100% on me. I am so ashamed that I said that because I know it has stuck with him. There have been times that I have been adoringly looking at my ring or showing it to someone, and he'll whisper to me, "You like? Are you sure it's not cheap?" and I can just tell that he is worried I'm disappointed. I've had to do a lot of reassuring since I said something so hateful and careless while under the influence.

Along those lines, this year I will continue to work on managing my alcohol intake. We know what kinds of episodes I've had in the past, and I'm happy to report that there hasn't been a really bad episode in a while. The last one I remember was shortly after moving into our house in July/August 2016. By "episodes", I mean full on drunk and belligerent. I haven't blacked out in a long time...I think those episodes happened because I was drinking a lot while taking anti anxiety medication. Those did NOT mix well!!!!!! I was truly insane and not myself. I'm not on that medication anymore. This holiday season, I successfully avoided being full on drunk and had no episodes. I definitely drank a lot of wine and was buzzed, but I paired it with water and stayed aware, no black outs. I didn't even have one single headache or hangover! I'm glad I got to wake up and not feel a flood of regret and shame at what I may have said or done the night before. I want to continue this path of not drinking to excess. I know there's a very dark side of me that comes out when I go too far with alcohol, and I don't like that side of me and I don't ever want to see it again. That is not the real me. I want to always stay me.

I have a lot to be thankful for and I shouldn't take it for granted. I've been ugly enough times that Nick could have said that he was done and dumped me, but he didn't. I'm thankful that he didn't because I don't know what I would do without him. He's all I've wanted for so long, and now he's absolutely mine! He's going to be my frickin husband, so this is truly a dream come true! I used to pine for him as we lived in different towns and dated other people, but I eventually had to move on because he didn't want me like that. He obviously came around and now we've been together for 3 years, we are engaged, we bought a house together, and we are currently planning our beautiful wedding. Why would I do anything to jeopardize this??? I would be a complete fool. He's the sweetest, most affectionate, loving person. He showers me in kisses and hugs every day, and he thinks I am absolutely beautiful no matter what (seriously - he's seen me gain 40+ pounds and he still says I'm perfect and I can tell he truly means it). We just are right together.

And finally, what kind of New Years post would this be if I didn't mention losing weight? I did successfully lose 6.2 lbs for the year 2016. I had lost up to 15 lbs at one point, but I gained some back at the end of the year with the holidays. I'm not one of those people who has a weight loss goal "just because". I really, truly need to lose weight for my health. I'm 28 years old, 5 foot 2 inches tall, and I weigh 235 lbs currently. I am considered morbidly obese and I'm at risk of developing a whole host of health problems. I need to lose weight for my general health, but I especially need to lose weight to have a baby. If I got pregnant at my current weight, I'm sure I would be considered a high risk pregnancy due to the obesity. I don't want to put our poor little baby at risk! At this point, my goal is to be under 200. I'd like to be under 200 for the wedding, but I don't think that'll happen at this point. It could happen if I really put my mind to it and worked hard, but I'm just being realistic. Don't think it's gonna happen. I briefly considered buying an elliptical machine and putting it right in the living room so I could exercise while watching my tv shows before Nick gets home. I really don't have the money for such an expense right now, though. I guess I better start taking walks around the neighborhood or something.

I am getting extremely tired and delirious now, so I better go before I stop making sense. Or maybe I stopped making sense in this post a long time ago, who knows.

Anyways, happy new year! May 2017 be a great year for all of us! :)

12:41 a.m. - Monday, Jan. 02, 2017


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