happyone's Diaryland Diary


2 8

Well, today is my 28th birthday. I am playing 'sick' from work today. Work has gotten so busy and hectic that I just wanted to take a day to myself. What better day than my birthday?

My birthday didn't really start off that great. Last night, I approached Nick about wanting more real time with him because we have long been in a rut where we are constantly watching tv. We watch tv for about 30 minutes in the morning before getting ready for work, and then when he comes home, we'll have a brief conversation about our days, but then begins the evening saga of hours of tv time with shows and video games. We usually even eat dinner on the couch, which is terrible. This isn't the first time I've written about this. I've just been feeling lonely and disconnected because for a large portion of my job, I'm alone in a windowless room on a computer doing paperwork. Then I come home and don't really get any true conversation or interaction. While Nick watches that silly show Impractical Jokers and plays Xbox, I have nothing else to do but browse through my phone or read magazines.

So anyway, I approached Nick about wanting more real time together and what does he do? He twisted it all around in his mind, as he frequently does, and became angry because he thought I was saying that he doesn't love me. Uhh, that's not even close to what I said. From there, he was just angry and mean and there was no talking to him. He went on a loud rant about how I constantly criticize him and never let him get a word in. I just sat there staring because I just couldn't believe how me saying, "I want more time with you" could be misinterpreted so badly.

I ended up not even eating dinner and just felt really low after that. I feel like I shouldn't have to approach my significant other about wanting more real interactions, but if I do, I feel like I should be listened to in a sensitive manner, not attacked, put down, and made to feel bad. After all of that, I've vowed that I won't bother approaching Nick about my feelings anymore because he'll just see it as me criticizing him as a partner. Apparently, he can do no wrong.

I still got up and had breakfast with him this morning even though I wasn't going to be going in to work. He seemed in a much better mood and was back to his affectionate, silly self. I still was hurt by everything he had said, so I kept my guard up. I just feel like he makes me out to be some really awful person sometimes. I always say to him, if I'm so terrible, why are you with me? Why did you propose? Why are we getting married? After he left for work, I opened the birthday presents he had gotten for me and my mood was lowered even more. All he had gotten me was a little Pusheen (cartoon cat) notebook and a Pusheen t-shirt that is clearly waaaay to small for me. I'm a morbidly obese woman and this shirt looks like it's made for a child. So, all I get is a cheap cat notebook. I like the notebook and I'm grateful for it, but really? I would have been over the moon for an Ulta gift card or a Jimmy John's gift card. Those are two things he knows I absolutely love and they would have been perfect gifts. Oh well.

The tiny t-shirt just made me feel even worse because I've been more depressed about my weight lately. I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed that I am 28 and still fat and ugly. I've been "trying" for years to lose weight and be a normal sized person. I say "trying" because it never works. I'm destined to be fat and ugly. I'm going to be a huge, ugly, plus sized bride, and my future kids will probably be embarrassed by me and wonder why I can't lose the weight and be a normal size like other kids' moms. Speaking of being a bride, the place where I got my wedding dress called last week and said that my dress is in and that I could come try it on at any time. My mom is coming up today to spend my birthday with me, and one of the things we are thinking about doing is going to try my dress on for fun. Although, I'm starting to wonder, how fun will that be? Maybe I don't want to see my hideous body in this dress. I've already been given clothes that are too small for my birthday, so I just don't want to face another body hating event on my birthday. To tell you the truth, I'm not even excited about this whole wedding thing. I don't want all the attention to be on me and my horrible fat body in a huge, plus sized wedding dress.

Ugh, I need some wine. I wish my mom would hurry up and get here so I'm just sitting here alone with my sad thoughts.

Tomorrow after work, Nick and I are going to his grandparents' lake house as we usually do every other weekend. His mom and little sister will probably come too and I think they'll probably have a cake or something to celebrate my birthday. I'm kind of embarrassed to see his mom because the last time I saw her, we had a big dinner at her house and I got pretty drunk. I didn't think anything bad happened, but Nick got all over me the next day about how I'm "not the same person" when I drink. This is a common theme that keeps popping up. I wish I could be one of those fun drunks, but I am not. I'm really a horrible, mean, ugly person. I think that's the way I truly am as a person, but I am fake and just try to hide it all the time. The real me comes out when I drink, I guess. I didn't mean to go so far that night, but I often don't stop at my limit when I'm supposed to when it comes to drinking. I hate that about me. I don't even want to be drunk, I just like a good buzz. Once I start, though, I often breeze right past buzzed into drunk. But then there's other times that it's easily manageable and it's all good, so I don't know what the problem is.

On a different but related note, all of my friends are having babies right now. Nick and I want kids, but we aren't even going to start trying until we've been married for a year (Nick's idea, not mine), so that's a ways off, like in 2018. I really do want to have a baby. Maybe that'll change me for the better. I obviously won't be able to drink for a long time, so that right there might solve a lot of problems since I only become a hateful person when under the influence. Plus, I'll have something else that will occupy my mind other than all of these stupid thoughts about poor me, me, me. But then there's other times, like when I'm feeling really low about myself and when Nick and I are constantly arguing, that I feel like maybe I'm not cut out to be a parent. I'm clearly not a good person, so why should I try to be a mother? I'm not good enough to take on such a responsibility. Who knows if I can even have kids! We might start trying and find out that the whole thing doesn't work and it wasn't meant to be. Or worse, we might suffer miscarriages. I know several friends who have miscarried and it's more common than you'd think. My own grandmother had two miscarriages and my older sister miscarried twins. Does that mean it "runs" in the family? Who knows.

What a wonderful little birthday post I have written! It's so happy and uplifting. Here's to another year of being alive. Cheers!

10:15 a.m. - Thursday, Nov. 03, 2016


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