Ugly Person

Why can't I ever stay happy for long? No, I am happy, but right now I just am feeling down about myself as a person. I don't think I'm a good person, really. I know most people seem to like me and probably think I'm a good person, but I guess they don't know the real me. I am with Nick the most, and he has seen the good, bad, and the very ugly. Many times, I have caused so many problems in our relationship because of my insecurities, which only worsen when fueled by alcohol. I have been utterly horrendous and have almost caused the end of our relationship many times. I'm not that way with my family, so why does the worst of me sometimes come out with Nick? Shouldn't the best of me be coming out with him?

I don't know. I just feel that deep down, I'm not a good person. I am hurtful, hateful, jealous, and selfish. I don't want to be this way, but I feel that's just the way I am. Don't get me wrong, it's not like this side comes out often, but it's often enough to make me loathe myself. I am so disappointed in how I treat Nick sometimes. How can I possibly be that way towards him? He's going to be the father of our future child (hopefully)! I can't be that way. I just feel that I'm not a good fiance and that I won't be a good mother. I want to be a good fiance and a good mother, though. I don't want to disappoint everyone and have them dislike me.

:( Ugh. I'm on the rag, maybe that's why I'm whining right now. Wah.

5:55 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 22, 2016


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