Sudden Panic

Ah yes, thank you, Mr. Presidents, for giving us a holiday away from work today.

Sadly, Nick is off to work today, so I am home alone. This is not a bad thing because it means I get to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and Keeping Up with the Kardashians, all while eating ramen noodles (a guilty pleasure). I don't feel too bad that he's at work today because he had last Monday off for Chinese New Year (he works for a Chinese company). I was out from work last Monday-Wednesday because I was the sickest I've ever been. My stomach started hurting last Saturday afternoon, and shortly thereafter a vomiting marathon commenced. It. Was. Awful. I threw up a grand total of N I N E times. Food was out of the question for a while, so at least I dropped 3 pounds from this illness!

Speaking of dropping pounds, I looked back at one of my last entries and it said I was weighing in at 244 lbs at the time. I am happy to report that I have been diligently cutting back and counting calories with the help of the Myfitnesspal app since the start of the new year and I am down almost 15 lbs. I am currently at 231.3. Nick and I weighed ourselves this morning, and we weighed EXACTLY the same! 231.3!! What are the odds of that! He's gained some weight and I've lost some weight, so now we are the same. I used to be 20 lbs heavier than him (eek). What's probably helped the most with dropping some weight is cutting back big time on alcohol. Damn, that stuff is fattening! I have not dramatically increased exercise or cut out any food. I maybe take a walk once a week, but lately it's been pretty cold, so I haven't even been doing that. I still eat things like pasta, macaroni, bratwurst, etc. I just make sure I have enough calories allowed for the day to eat those things and if I do, I eat them! I bet just cutting out alcohol has been the secret to my weight loss so far. I haven't even cut out alcohol completely - on weekends, I definitely still indulge in both food and drink. However, sticking to my calories and not drinking during the week has allowed me to lose weight while still enjoying fun things on the weekends. It's working so far! I hope I can keep it up. I'm just taking it week by week. I ultimately want to be under 200 lbs, but for now, as long as the number on the scale is less than it was the week before, I'm good.

So, anyway, I had a weird moment of panic this morning. Nick had just left to go to work, and I cuddled back down on the couch, scrolling through Facebook. I follow our town's online newspaper, and I saw an article about how the county where Nick works is off to a deadly start to the year 2016. They've already had 4 traffic fatalities this year, one of them occurring right outside of Nick's work! He has to make this tough left turn across a highway (speed limit 55, but people go faster than that) every day, and apparently, an older woman pulled out trying to make that turn and got hit by another car, killing her. The article quoted the county's coroner, who described how awful it is to make next of kin notifications. The coroner said it never gets easy to knock on someone's door and tell them that their loved one is never coming back. I just had this moment of fear that something bad might happen to Nick. I immediately texted Nick and told him that he must tell me he's made it to work alright. While he doesn't work too far away (about 20 minutes), he still has to drive on the interstate, where people frequently drive faster than 80 mph. Just last week on this interstate, a semi hit an SUV, causing it to flip into the median, killing one person. The semi didn't even stop, it was a hit and run! Luckily, they caught the guy several days later.

I just got really upset and emotional, worrying about him in his tiny car. He drives this tiny, 2001 Toyota Corolla that would just be destroyed if hit by another car. Car safety has come along way since 2001. I wish he had a bigger, safer car. I felt sick to my stomach until Nick responded that he was at work and fine.

I just sometimes worry that my life might be too lucky and going too well, and that something bad will happen to shift the balance back. Here I am, 27 years old with grad school under my belt and my career established, a wonderful family, and the greatest boyfriend I could ever dream up. We have a wonderful relationship that we know is headed for marriage and eventually kids. It all just sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? I can't stay this lucky and happy forever, can I?

I just think about my mom's life and the horrible things that have happened to her. She married young at 19, only to realize at 29 that her and her husband were not a match anymore now that they were adults. She divorced him only to rebound with a psycho (little did she know). Her second husband was so charming and smooth...until they got married. As soon as they were married, his true colors came out, just in time for the birth of their daughter, my mom's first child. He was physically and verbally abusive, giving my mom black eyes she had to hide from coworkers and threatening to kill. She divorced him, and then a custody battle over their daughter ensued. My mom, being a single teacher, had very little money. She had to sell her washer and dryer just to afford attorney fees. Despite everything, that psycho pulled strings and somehow won primary custody of their daughter. After several more years of legal battles, my mom won joint custody. Since my mom was a teacher, she was supposed to get full custody during the summer months (when she's not working), and the psycho would get her the rest of the year. Do you think that bastard obeyed a court order? Of course not! He refused to send their daughter to my mom for the summer, and if my mom called to talk to their daughter, he wouldn't let her speak to her. My mom wrote her daughter letters and sent her presents, none of which he gave to their daughter. Instead, he hid it all in the basement and told their daughter that her mother didn't love her anymore.

So, my mom's first child is taken away from her. Then, both of her parents drop dead within a few months of each other. My mom's parents had her very late in life. Her mom was 43 and her dad was 51, so by the time they croaked, they were in their 80s. So, there my mom is, single again, daughter taken away, and no parents. JUST AWFUL! A few years later, she married my dad and had me and my sister. That was all well and good for about 9 years and then my dad also died. See what I mean?? You think you have it good and then BAM! Tragedy strikes.

I'm afraid that my life, too, might be marred by tragedy. I hope that is not the case. I hope all of my family members live long, happy lives. I hope Nick and I get to grow old together and celebrate 50 years of marriage (assuming we get married at 30 and we both live to see 80 lol).

I hope!

8:28 a.m. - Monday, Feb. 15, 2016


previous - next

latest entry





other diaries: