happyone

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Can't Hide it Anymore

This is just tragic. Have you ever watched one of those weight loss shows where the contestant is giving their back story and they say they realized how fat they really were when they saw a horrible picture of themselves? I feel like today was that day for me. Today, I had this picture snapped of me:

That's a really bad picture of me, but that is me as I currently look in all my glory, with no flattering angle to hide the fact that I'm morbidly obese. I stared at the picture when I saw it, like that's me? That's me... It's amazing how in denial we can get about things, isn't it? I know that I'm significantly overweight and have been for a while, I know that my weight has been going up and up and I'm now at my highest weight ever, I know, I know, I know. I feel my gut and how big it is and how it just feels heavy and in the way. But...I guess I thought it wasn't that bad, that even though I have gained even more weight and now weigh 241.3 that somehow I still looked ok. But pictures don't lie, pictures are unforgiving. That picture shows that I have really let myself go and that there is no way to deny it: I am hideously fat and unhealthy.

The sad part is that I feel extremely unmotivated to do anything about it. I don't want to look this bad or be depressed about it and I want to be healthy and in shape, but I just seem to be unwilling to do anything. I make attempts at eating better, sure, but then I always blow it and eat EVERYTHING. I cannot seem to make myself exercise whatsoever. I have become extremely lazy and enjoy not moving. Not really, but kind of sort of. Being so lazy has taken a toll because I've noticed just one flight of stairs will get me breathing pretty good and my knees definitely don't like hoisting my fat ass up the stairs. I've even noticed that walking can present as uncomfortable because everyone seems to walk so fast, and my fat lazy body isn't used to exerting that much effort. I walk more at a snail's pace, slow and steady.

I feel so guilty and ashamed that I've let myself go so far. My own father died at the age of 35 from being morbidly obese. He is DEAD because he wouldn't stop feeding his face. So what, am I going to repeat history and follow in his footsteps? It seems like it since I just keep gaining and gaining, with no sign of stopping or reversing what's happening. It's just so easy to gain weight and so difficult to lose it. Sigh. Nick lost 70 lbs. a couple of years ago by just doing simple things like taking daily walks, cutting back on portions, and not drinking soda. I wish it could be that easy for me. Although, it could be that easy and I just don't know because I'm too fat to even make myself take a walk once a day.

I don't know what would motivate me to take my health seriously...looking ugly and the impending doom of numerous health problems doesn't seem to be the ticket, so I don't know what to do.

10:46 p.m. - Saturday, Aug. 15, 2015

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