Ugly Fat Monster!

I am feeling so incredibly fat right now. My size 20 pants are too tight and they're digging into my overflowing gut. I can't believe I have let myself go to the point that I'm a size 22 and weigh 240 pounds. This is the most I've ever weighed and the biggest I've ever been. Some days, I go back and forth between embracing my size and hating the body I'm in. Due to more recognition and acceptance being given to plus sized women (a la model Tess Holliday and TV personality Whitney Thore of TLC'c My Big Fat Fabulous Life), sometimes I am proud to be a curvy woman. It helps that my boyfriend, Nick, finds me incredibly sexy despite having gained 40 lbs since we started dating (60 since we reconnected as friends!). I was about 180 when we reconnected as friends in 2011 and 200 when he became my boyfriend in 2013. Nick has always loved bigger women, and he exclusively watches BBW porn. He likes them BIG, like bigger than me! His attraction to bigger women is why he has not minded the weight gain.

So like I said, sometimes I don't mind being a bigger woman. I've been bigger my entire life, but not quite this big. Other days, like today, I can't stand being in this body. My tight pants are so uncomfortable and I'm truly tired of constantly sweating. I'm hot natured as it is, but being 100 lbs overweight just makes it that much worse. Sure, it is summer and I live in the South where it's freaking hotter than 40 hells, but I know I get hot and sweat more than the average person. I also hate that I get winded just going up one flight of stairs. I always dread walking upstairs while talking to people because I'm afraid they'll notice that I kind of can't breathe.

I can't wait to get home and rip these pants off. Although at this rate, they might just bust off by themselves. The buttons are straining and the zipper doesn't want to stay up. Sigh. I wish I could give myself an eating disorder so I wouldn't eat. I clearly don't have that discipline. I guess I shouldn't say that because eating disorders are serious illnesses that people die from all the time. I myself probably have an eating disorder. I mean, eating so much is clearly not right.

9:27 a.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015


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